


It's not my fault, I'm a maniac

by LaynaVile (DirtiestGirlInAmerica)



Series: Maniac [1]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Josh is kind of a dick, M/M, Prescription Pill Addiction, Recreational Drug Use, So is Tyler so it's balanced, So many cliches, Soulmates, Triggers, also mortal enemies, but not like generic soulmate discovery, i have no idea what to tag as, pov's that switch so fucking much that i can barely keep up, still working on keeping the tenses straight, verging on graphic depiction of self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-12
Updated: 2016-11-19
Packaged: 2018-08-16 16:32:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 30,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8109601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DirtiestGirlInAmerica/pseuds/LaynaVile
Summary: You're thirteen years old when the names appear on your inner wrists, like they've always been there. You know what they are, you've heard it a million times, one is your soulmate, the other is your enemy. What that truly means, you have no idea, except that you're completely screwed because the names are the same on both wrists.





	1. The Setup

**Author's Note:**

> As I was writing this out I decided that it was totally absurd that EVERYONE and their grandma could see the names on your wrists, so I thought about it and came up with the solution that no one other than yourself can see the names. Because honestly would you really want someone to know they were potentially your soulmate or enemy, especially if their names hadn't shown up yet? That'd be pretty shitty. That being said the only way other people can see your names is once your soulmate and enemy have had their names show up as well. If that makes any sense. Because everyone's names show up at different times. Also you are not, always at least, born with the names on your wrists, it's not that they are there and you can't see them until a certain point, they show up when they are ready and some people are born with them and obviously can't read them until they are older and can, ya know, read. Other times peoples names don't show up at all, or disappear days, weeks, months, years after they appear, but that only happens if one or both of the people belonging to the names die. That being said let's say you have Bill on one wrist and Blair on the other and you don't know which is your soulmate and which is your enemy and Bill dies before you find out, BOTH names will disappear. But because Bill wasn't on Blair's wrist, your name will still be on their wrist. So they can still seek you out, just not the other way around.  
> And I apologize if this makes no sense, I am literally running on about 3 hours of sleep and I'm having trouble putting the words in my head into coherent sentences.  
> Also a couple years ago actually I saw a prompt somewhere about being born with the name of your soulmate on your wrist, and I've read similar things a few dozen times, and they're usually pretty good. Then I saw a comment from somewhere saying, "That's too played out, make it your enemy's name." Which yeah, that sounds pretty sick, but what's the point? Then someone else said, "What if you had a name on each wrist, enemy and soulmate, but no idea which was which." That's even better. "And if both names are the same, then you are so fucked."  
> I immediately wanted to write this but didn't, couldn't figure out who to write about, or how to do it, so I didn't. I haven't written for a while, no inspiration, but I'm trying to make myself write, but nothing sounded fun, until I stumbled back onto this idea.  
> I've decided to end this at 12 chapters, as of right now at least. I for sure could change my mind while writing and add more chapters, but as of right now 12 is max for me. That being said, I could possibly write a sequel after, no promises though.

Three days after his thirteenth birthday as Josh was drying off from his shower he noticed the marks on his wrists. They looked like they'd always been there, he knew what they were, of course he did he'd heard it a million times from his parents and from his health teacher at school, and the councilor. Josh knew that one of the names was his soulmate and the other his enemy, although he wasn't quite sure what enemy meant; did it mean he was going to have to fight this person? Were they going to try to sabotage the other's life and happiness? Was one of them going to try to take over the world and be stopped by the other? He just didn't know and that was the one thing,  **no one** could tell him. As he stared at his wrists he realized how screwed he was, both names were a boy's name, he couldn't have a soulmate that was a boy. But it wasn't just that the names were both of a boy, both names were the same. He'd never even heard of that happening, how could that happen? Something had to be wrong. The names were wrong, he somehow got someone else's names, but he knew that wasn't possible. But it had to be, because if it wasn't, he didn't know what to do. He couldn't have a soulmate that was his enemy, if they were supposed to fight each other, how could they? Josh vowed to never tell anyone about the names, he could pretend they never showed up. Until the boy who's name was on his wrists had Josh's name show up on his wrists, then everyone could see Josh's names, see that they were the same. He'd have to hide them before that could ever happen. He'd get them covered with dark, intense tattoos, except what if the other boy got his names before Josh was old enough to get the tattoos to cover them. He'd have to wear long sleeves and hooded sweatshirts all the time, make sure his wrists were covered, no one could know.  
  
\--  
  
Joshua was sixteen when his sister Ashley sees the name on his left wrist. She keeps asking him if she can see his other name? She tells him how exciting it is that his names are showing, her's aren't showing yet. He pulls at the sleeves of his hoodie and quietly tells her, "No." She doesn't stop, she pesters him about it for days until he snaps and tells her, "..it's none of your business. Who cares what my names are? They're stupid, you can't even tell them apart. Who wants to deal with that? Why would anyone want to figure it out?" He knows he's yelling, but he's upset and overreacting, and the boy who's name is on his wrists can finally see Josh's name on his own wrists and that scares the hell out of him.  
  
Ashley apologizes and tells him she won't ask again, and a part of him wishes he could show her, wishes he could share his secret with someone. But no one can know that his names are the same, or that it's a boy. His family wouldn't understand, they were always telling Josh that a nice, pretty, christian girl would end up as his soulmate.  
  
\--  
  
It was the end of Josh's senior year, he was almost eighteen, almost legal, so close to the point where he could cover the name on at least one of his wrists, he wouldn't want the tattoo artist to see that his names matched. Josh was anxiously waiting for the bell to go off, to signal the end of the day, once the day was over there was only a month left of school, which meant just six short weeks until his birthday.  
  
There couldn't have been more than a half hour left when a strange boy walked into the classroom. Mr.Rift talked to the boy, asked him why he was wandering the halls? The boy said he had just transferred schools, he didn't mention why he was just now showing up to class almost forty five minutes late, seventh period was the longest of the day, being seventy five minutes long, who the hell thought that was a good idea? Josh often wondered.  
  
The boy handed Rift and letter that Josh assumed was from the office informing him of the new student. Why hadn't Rift been told that morning? Why was he just finding out? Josh didn't care, the boy was a distraction from discussing the shitty book they'd been reading. "Alright, well everyone this is Tyler Joseph." Josh felt like he was going to throw up.  
  
\--  
  
Josh needed to tell someone, he couldn't just lay in bed all night thinking about how to boy who's name had been on his wrists since he was fucking thirteen was now in his english class. Josh couldn't sleep, his brain wouldn't shut up. What happened when the boy found out his name? The boy, Tyler, would know who Josh was, he wouldn't know if he was soulmate or enemy, but he would  _know_ who Josh was. He couldn't let that happen, he'd have to skip english until the year was over; he couldn't do that, he wouldn't graduate. He was screwed.

Josh considered dropping out. But he couldn't do that. He couldn't let all the years he'd spent be worth nothing. He'd surely be kicked out of his home, his parent's wouldn't want a drop-out living in their house. So that idea was dead before it even truly formed. He could ask to transfer english classes, Mrs.Clifford was a bit of a bitch though, and she was strict with her grades, Josh wasn't sure if he wanted to deal with that when he was so close to being done.  
  
He'd just have to do everything in his power to not let Tyler Joseph find out his name, at least not his full name.  
  
\--  
  
When his names had first appeared, he'd been so confused. Why was one of the names on his wrists,  _his own_ _name_? How was that even possible? Did that mean he was his own soulmate and he was doomed to be alone forever? He was almost okay with that, but then he thought about the other name, Joshua Dun. Was he supposed to be the enemy? Tyler didn't feel like that was right. But why would his own name be there? Was he destined to be his own enemy? It made sense, but why?  
  
\--  
  
When his mother found out about his names, she hadn't said anything for what seemed like hours before she started crying. Tyler wasn't sure if she was more upset by the fact that his own name was on his right wrist or that the name on his left was a  **boy**.  
  
After that he'd started wearing shirts with long sleeves so he could hide the names, but his family still looked at him differently.  
  
That's when the voice started in his head. Telling him that he was worthless, telling him that he was a freak for having his own name on himself.  
  
\--  
  
Tyler had been homeschooled his entire life, until the age of seventeen when suddenly one day his mother decided that she didn't want him at home anymore, she wanted to put him into public school. Why when he was almost done? School would only be in session for a month more, what was the point? He couldn't understand what had changed, but the voice in his head provided him with enough explanations, that she didn't want to teach someone like him. She didn't want a freak in her house more than was necessary, if he was at school for seven hours a day she wouldn't feel so ashamed.  
  
He tried to tell the voice to shut up, to stop saying such horrible things; it didn't stop, it wouldn't stop. Until Tyler saw the blood on his skin, until he felt the pain and then the numbness.  
  
Blurryface was silent.  
  
\--  
  
He didn't want to go to class, he wandered the halls as long as he could, he stupidly got caught and sent to his last class of the day, english. It wasn't that he didn't like english, quite the opposite actually. He just didn't want to be there, in the school. He wanted to be at home with his family, where everyone knew him, where he wasn't the new kid who transferred at literally the last second possible. He felt so out of place. The woman who caught him wandering was the principal, some luck. She walked him to his classroom and stood in the hall until he was inside talking to the teacher.  
  
There wasn't even a place for him to sit, how wonderful that was. Was he going to have to stand in the front of the class? Blurryface taunted him, telling him everyone was watching him. He felt like his skin was crawling, he didn't like everyone looking at him. He felt like everyone could see the names on his wrists despite the hoodie he was wearing, he was sweating like crazy, and now it wasn't only from the heat. The teacher, Mr.Rift, told him that for now he could sit at his desk. Tyler's face turned bright red as he sat in the teacher's chair. It wasn't right, only the goody-two-shoes kids or the delinquents sat at the teacher's desk, or so he'd heard.  
  
\--  
  
Day two of having Tyler fucking Joseph in his class. There was a new desk in the room, and of course it was right next to his. Josh's desk was in the back row, the only one there, the class had an uneven amount of students and for some unknown reason not a single extra desk, until now. Maybe it was just that the class had never had more than thirty students, Josh was the odd one out, the thirty-first. Now Tyler Joseph was the thirty-second, and he was sitting next to Josh.  
  
Josh wanted to fake being sick, go to the nurse's office for the rest of class and avoid Tyler Joseph. But if wanted to go he'd have to talk to the teacher and risk Tyler hearing his name. He was so screwed. There was no way for this to end other than badly. Tyler would find out, and wouldn't understand why his name was on both of Josh's wrists, he wouldn't want anything to do with Josh, and that scared him more than it should have. He wanted to talk to Tyler, he wanted Tyler to see his name on Josh's wrists, even if he knew it was a bad idea, he still wanted Tyler because in the end, Tyler was still his soulmate. Enemy or not, he was still the one Josh was destined to be with.  
  
\--  
  
Thirty minutes down, forty-five to go. He could do this, if he kept his head down and pretended to be working Rift wouldn't call on him for anything.  
  
Apparently Rift had other plans.  
  
"Mr.Dun, can you please explain to the class what lesson the author was trying to teach us by punishing the protagonist?" Josh froze, his pencil fell from between his fingers.  
  
"Uh, I, I don't, I don't really know. I didn't read the book. Thought it sounded stupid."  
  
"Well Joshua it looks like you will be reading, today after class, in detention." Rift had just said his entire name, he was so fucked. He didn't dare look at Tyler, he hoped that Tyler didn't realize what Rift had said.  
  
\--  
  
"Mr.Dun, can you please explain to the class what lesson the author was trying to teach us by punishing the protagonist?"  
  
The kid sitting next to Tyler didn't speak for a moment, "Uh, I, I don't, I don't really know. I didn't read the book. Thought it sounded stupid."  
  
Tyler had read the book last year, he knew the answer.  
  
"Well Joshua it looks like you will be reading, today after class, in detention." Wait, Tyler knew that name, he'd always know that name. Tyler couldn't keep the grin off of his face. How lucky was he? He found his soulmate.  
  
**_"Unless he is your enemy. You know you can't be happy Tyler, we've talked about this. You will always be alone, he is your enemy, and I am your soulmate."_** No, shut up. Blurry was wrong, Josh was his soulmate, Tyler knew it, he could feel it in his bones. Tyler knew then that he would wait for Josh until his detention was over, he needed to talk to Josh, he needed to just say something to him. Tyler didn't care that he'd get in trouble for not going straight home after school. Better yet, he'd get himself detention to, then he'd have an excuse.  
  
"I think the book is bullshit. The protagonist shouldn't have been punished, she should have been praised for what she did."  
  
"Mr.Joseph you will watch your language in my classroom, and you will not talk out of turn again."  
  
"No, I think I'll talk whenever I'd like to Rifty." Tyler had no idea where the attitude had come from. He'd always tried to stay quiet, he'd always been shy and insecure, but this was so different. He didn't feel like himself.  
  
"Seems like you would like to join Mr.Dun in detention tonight. I'll escort you both to the library for detention personally. Since you both seem to have an attitude today."  
  
_**"Bad boy now, huh? All for Joshy. He doesn't want you, never will."**_ Tyler shook his head, his grin falling slightly.  
  
\--  
  
Great now he had fucking detention with Tyler Joseph. At least he couldn't try to talk to Josh during detention.  
  
\--  
  
It was quite in the library and it was driving him nuts. He'd started to tap his fingers on the table in front of him, drumming out simple beats. He'd gotten in trouble for it three times so far, and it was only ten minutes into the hour long detention.  
  
Luckily Tyler had been seated at a table on the other side of the library, Josh didn't have to worry about even looking at Tyler. Hopefully the space between them, and the fact that Josh's seat was much closer to the door than Tyler's, when detention was over Josh would be able to get out without Tyler catching him.  
  
He was supposed to be reading the shitty book that Rift had assigned a few weeks ago. He really did think the book sounded stupid, who wants to read about some girl murdering her abusive family members and then going to jail while people tried to get her released saying that she was brave for standing up to her family. It was bullshit, like Tyler had said.  
  
He needed to stop thinking about Tyler. He couldn't think about Tyler. If he thought about Tyler he would somehow talk himself into showing Tyler his wrists.  
  
Josh sighed and tried to focus on the book. Fifty minutes was going to take forever.  
  
\--  
  
Why had he been placed on the other side of the room? He wanted to be as close as possible to Josh.  
  
_**"Stop trying to fool yourself Ty. It's just you and me forever."**_ Tyler wished he was at home, he could make Blurry shut up when he was at home. But if he was at home, he wouldn't get the chance to talk to Josh.  
  
Tyler tried to ignore Blurryface, he tried so hard, but he wouldn't shut up.  _ **"You know how to shut me up Ty. You know what to do, but you can't do it. You won't. You're a pussy."**_ Tyler's fist slammed down on the table, the sound echoing throughout the library. Everyone looked at him. The teacher monitoring detention yelled at him, told him if he made noise again he'd have another detention on his hands.  
  
Tyler was silent for the rest of the detention, Blurry was not.  
  
\--  
  
It was almost over, just a minute and a half left, Josh put the book into his backpack and was ready to jump up and run out of the library, get as far away from that damn detention and Tyler Joseph.  
  
"You may all leave now." Mrs.Simms voice was like heaven to Josh's ears.  
  
He jumped and took off for the door.  
  
"Josh wait, please. I need to ask you something." Tyler's voice rang out across the room.  
  
No, Josh could pretend he didn't hear Tyler. He wanted to pretend he didn't hear Tyler, but the way his heart fluttered when he heard Tyler say his name made him pause. Long enough for Tyler to catch him.  
  
Tyler's face was flushed and Josh couldn't help but think of how good he looked.  
  
Tyler stuck his hand towards Josh, "I'm Tyler." He paused, "Not that I really needed to tell you that. What with my name being on your wrist and all that."  
  
Josh took Tyler's hand into his tentatively, as if somehow Tyler's touch would hurt him. He shook his hand and tried not to smirk at Tyler's awkwardness.  
  
"Josh, obviously." Their hands separated and Josh almost missed the feeling of Tyler's hand in his.  
  
Before Tyler could speak again Josh spoke, "If my name is on your wrist, how could you possibly know if I'm the good one or the bad one?"  
  
Tyler's brow furrowed, "I don't. I mean not really. But I've got this feeling ya know. Like I can feel tingling in my bones."  
  
Josh raised a brow of his own, "Tingling? That's what you're basing this off of?" He snorted, "Great."  
  
"I'm sorry, I just,"  
  
"Don't, I've got to get home, dinner's at five and it's already four thirty." Josh interrupted Tyler. He watched Tyler's face fall before walking away.  
  
Josh felt bad for leaving Tyler like that, probably feeling rejected. But he had to. He couldn't stay standing there with Tyler rambling on about tingling in his bones.  
  
Josh felt the tingle too.


	2. There is no one, I can belong to

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is probably shitty. At the last minute I decided to change literally everything, because literally fuck me. I have to make everything more difficult for myself. I know what I want to do, moving forward to the next chapter, I just don't know when I'm going to write it, hopefully sometime in the next few days.
> 
> I want to warn you now, there is a brief scene where the self-harm is "shown", it's not much, but I don't want to hurt anyone with the words I've written.

Seventeen days Tyler Joseph had been in Josh's English class. Seventeen days of Tyler trying so hard to get Josh to talk to him and Josh not giving in. He wanted to, he wanted to talk to Tyler so badly. Get to know him. But he couldn't. Not yet.  
  
Twenty-six days and Josh would turn eighteen, and then he could get Tyler's name on his right wrist covered and then he could talk to Tyler. Then he could try to make sense of how Tyler was supposed to be his soulmate and enemy.  
  
\--  
  
Fifteen days since Josh had uttered a single word to Tyler, but he wasn't giving up. They were graduating in less than a week, and then Tyler wouldn't have a snowballs chance in hell to even talk to Josh. He had to get Josh to talk to him now.  
  
The question was how?  
  
\--  
  
Tyler tried his hardest not to stare at Josh as he thought of how he could get Josh to finally talk to him again.  
  
He didn't want to be the creepy stalker type but, he was going to follow Josh home, and make him talk to him.  
  
_**"Give it up Ty. It's just me and you. Forget Joshy. He's nothing. And he doesn't want anything to do with you."**_  
  
Tyler shook his head and mumbled to himself. "Shut up."  
  
He looked up at the clock, twenty minutes to go. He could do this, he wasn't going to chicken out. He was going to follow Josh and make him talk, and even if he failed, at least he would know where Josh lived so he could keep trying.  
  
Every time Tyler looked up at the clock it seemed as if the hands were going backward, he could've sworn there was fourteen minutes left, five minutes ago. He just needed to stop, what was that saying, something about a watched clock never moves, or maybe that was about water, water will never boil while being watched. Tyler really wasn't sure.  
  
\--  
  
The ticking of the clock was deafening. It seemed to be the only thing Josh could hear. It seemed to get louder as the seconds went by.  
  
**tick. tick. tick.**  
  
Eight minutes remaining, eight minutes and Josh could get away from Tyler. He could feel Tyler's eyes on him every few minutes; he had to resist turning and looking at him.  
  
That stupid tingling feeling was starting to get to him, he knew it wasn't real. Just a subconscious thought causing him to feel something that wasn't real. Like when your cell phone was sitting on the table in-front of you, yet you could feel it vibrating against your leg where it would normally be inside your pocket. A phantom feeling. He wondered if Tyler was still feeling it?  
  
Josh rolled his eyes at himself, he needed to stop thinking about Tyler.  
  
As the days had gone by, Tyler trying so hard, Josh struggled. A few times he caught himself tugging the sleeves of his hoodie up, wanting desperately to show Tyler his wrists.  
  
**tick. tick. tick.**  
  
Josh looked up at the clock again, six minutes. He needed a distraction, he started bouncing his leg, almost as if he was drumming. He didn't tap his fingers to the beat his foot was quietly making, on the desk, he wanted as little attention drawn to himself as possible.  
  
\--  
  
Josh was bouncing his leg, creating a beat, it was all Tyler could hear. Not Rift's voice, not the ticking of the clock. Just Josh. Tyler swore he could hear Josh's breathing too.  
  
He snuck a glance at Josh, his head was down toward his desk, lost in thought, or maybe just concentrating on the beat.  
  
Tyler smiled softly, and dared to glance up at the clock again. Two minutes.  
  
Tyler began to put his things back into his binder, and his pencils and pens back into the case he carried, carefully, quietly. He didn't want to get into trouble for packing up early. He'd already gotten in trouble for it once before, on the fourth day. He risked it, because as soon as class ended, he had to follow Josh. He had to be stealthy though, he couldn't let Josh see him following him.  
  
**_"You don't need to follow him idiot. He doesn't want anything to do with you. What you need to do is go home and let me have some fun."_** Tyler shook his head weakly. He wished Blurry would just go away.  
  
\--  
  
The bell went off, and Josh grabbed his stuff off the desk as fast as he could, and took off out of the classroom before Tyler could try to talk to him again.  
  
Josh didn't stop at his locker to put anything away or even grab his backpack. Fuck the books and papers that he needed for Bio and his foreign language class. He needed out of the school and away from Tyler Joseph as quickly as possible.  
  
\--  
  
Josh didn't stop at his locker, so Tyler didn't go to his. All his books and worksheets and things were still in his locker. He needed them, he'd never not turned in homework before, but he had to follow Josh. He couldn't lose sight of him. Tyler didn't have his backpack, he tucked his binder under his arm, and shoved his pens and pencils into the pocket of his hoodie, the case didn't fight well; it pulled at the fabric and stretched it.  
  
Tyler could feel his anxiety rising.  
  
_**"Stupid Tyler. Stupid. You're stupid. Leaving your homework at school, perfect boy Ty isn't so perfect anymore."**_ Tyler tried to ignore Blurryface, he wasn't letting him be a distraction. If he let that happen, he'd get lost. He wouldn't know where Josh went.  
  
**_"C'mon Ty go back to school, get your things and go home. This is boring. I want to have some fun."_** Tyler shook his head rapidly, his breathing ragged. He kept walking, following Josh. He hoped Josh didn't live to far, Tyler didn't want to end up getting lost, once he was done talking to Josh he would have to walk back to the school and then home, otherwise he wouldn't know where he was going.  
  
\--  
  
Josh felt like he was being followed, something in the back of his mind was nagging him. Turn around; he did, but saw no one.  
  
He thought about not going home, he didn't want to deal with anyone. When he got to the intersection by his house, he stopped. If he turned right, he'd be on his way home. If he turned left, he'd be on his way to see Brendon.  
  
Josh fidgeted with the strings of his hoodie for a moment, then turned left.  
  
__  
  
Tyler stopped when he saw Josh stop. He wondered what Josh was doing.  
  
He wondered if maybe Josh knew that Tyler was following him.  
  
He hoped not. He didn't want Josh to know, not yet.  
  
Tyler watched as Josh tugged on the strings of his hoodie, a nervous habit, Tyler often did the same.  
  
Josh turned left, and Tyler followed.  
  
\--  
  
Brendon's house was half way down the street. As soon as he turned eighteen he'd moved out, on his own. Josh often wondered how he afforded it, but it really wasn't hard to figure out. Brendon had an alright job at a restaurant, he wasn't payed a lot, but it was steady. Of course there was also the money from the copious amounts of drugs Brendon sold. And it wasn't just weed, he sold coke and Xanax, Vicodin, Oxycontin, Ativan and Adderall.  
  
Josh knocked on the door, noting that Brendon's car was in the drive-way. He was definitely home.  
  
Josh waited all of thirty seconds before the door opened. Brendon didn't have a shirt on, his eyes glossy and hair a mess.  
  
"Josh," Brendon pulled Josh toward him, in a half hug. That was one thing about Brendon that Josh had gotten used to pretty quickly. Brendon was extremely physical, especially when high. He always wanted to be touching someone. "I know why you're here, come let me show you the new shit I got." Brendon had a smirk on his face.  
  
\--  
  
Tyler wondered why Josh was knocking on his own front door. He didn't have to wonder long, a man answered the door. He was shirtless and pulled Josh in to, from where Tyler was standing, appeared to be a tight hug.  
  
**_"Aw look at that. Joshy has a boyfriend. Guess I was right, he's your enemy. Not me. He doesn't want anything to do with you."_** Tyler's breathing became uneven and fast. He started to shake his head, trying to make Blurryface shut up.  
  
Tyler turned and ran as fast as he could, back the way he came. Back to the school, if he got there fast enough he'd still be able to get his things out of his locker.  
  
**_"Bad boy Ty's not so bad anymore."_** Blurry taunted him as he ran.  
  
When he reached the school there were still plenty of cars in the student lot as well as the teacher's. He ran inside to get his things.  
  
\--  
  
"This shit is the best." Brendon told him as he lit up the joint. Brendon inhaled deeply then passed it to Josh. He took a long drag, held the smoke in his lungs until the burning sensation was too much. He was so caught up in holding his breath, he hadn't even noticed Brendon waving the joint in front of his face, "You want more or what? I'm more than happy to smoke it all by myself." Brendon laughed.  
  
Josh took it back and inhaled again. They repeated the pattern of passing the joint back and forth a few times, before it was almost gone, Brendon didn't give it back then.  
  
Josh was starting to feel warm, and happy and like he was floating.  
  
"How much'll give me," Josh paused, pulled his wallet out of his pocket, "I've got," he tried to count the bills, "Uh, sixty-five bucks."  
  
Brendon giggled, "Joshy boy, for you, a discount." Brendon put a decent amount into a baggie and handed it to Josh. "I only want forty-five. Normally that'd be eighty, but, you're you."  
  
Josh smiled, "Thanks."  
  
\--  
  
Tyler slammed the bedroom door, startling his brother Zack who'd been lying on his bed, eyes closed, probably asleep.  
  
"Whoa, Ty what's up?"  
  
Tyler shook his head and ignored Zack.  
  
_**"Tell him Ty. Tell him how much of an idiot you are."**_ Tyler wanted Blurry to shut up so badly. He shook his head again, this time faster, more violently.  
  
He needed to make Blurry stop.  
  
"Leave Zack." Tyler's tone was harsh, his voice rough.  
  
"Tell me what's wrong Ty. Maybe I can help."  
  
"GET OUT!" Tyler hadn't meant to yell, but Blurry was so loud.  
  
"I'm going to get mom." Zack jumped off his bed and took off out the door and down the stairs to get their mother.  
  
Tyler had to move fast, he grabbed the blade from the bottom drawer of his nightstand, underneath some books Tyler pulled his sleeve up and pressed and drug until there were four red lines on his arm.  
  
He could hear his mom coming up the stairs, Tyler yanked his sleeve back down, smearing blood on the inside of his sleeve, and quickly put the razor back under the books.  
  
Blurry was silent when his mom entered the room.  
  
"Tyler, honey, Zack told me you're upset. Said that you yelled at him."  
  
Tyler's breathing was still ragged, "It's nothing, I'm sorry for yelling at Zack. Just a hard day at school."  
  
His mother nodded, "Alright honey. You need to apologize to Zack though." She left the room without another word.  
  
Tyler pulled his sleeve back up to look at the red smeared across his arm.  
  
\--  
  
Josh flopped onto his bed when he got home, still feeling fuzzy. He was thinking about Tyler again. Twenty-six days and he'd be able to think about Tyler all he wanted. He'd make it, he could wait.


	3. I’ll be your favorite drug, I will get you high

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this is shitty, short and the spacing on this one is weird, I typed up like 90% of it on my phone, and it's different on there.
> 
> Once again some of the self-harm will be "shown", I apologize, but it's just something that I can't avoid.
> 
> Also Blurry is a fucking dick, if you didn't know. He says some nasty as fuck shit, and I don't mean nasty as in gross, I mean it as offensive and all that. Read with caution. Don't want to upset any of you lovely people that read.
> 
> One last thing, I'm kinda bullshitting my way through this. I know what I want to write, just not really how to execute it, also I've got all these ideas for things I want to do, but like I have to write stuff before them and I just don't want to.
> 
> And for real the last thing is, in the words of Tyler, "I don't have writer's block, my writer just hates the clock." Keep those words in mind whenever it takes me a long time to update, because it'll happen.

Tyler didn’t sleep at all that night, every time he closed his eyes all he saw was Josh in the other man’s arms. And while Blurry had been silent for a while, he was back, and louder than ever.  
  
**_“So stupid Ty. Stupid. You can’t even get me to shut up properly.”_ ** ****_  
_ ****_  
_ **_“You think Joshy fucked him?”_ ** ****_  
_ ****_  
_ **_“Josh’ll never want you. That was probably his soulmate. You are his enemy.”_ ** ****_  
_ ****_  
_ **_“It will always be you and me Ty.”_ ** ****_  
_ ****_  
_ **_“You know how to make me stop. Make me stop Ty. You keep telling me you want me to stop, to shut up. So fucking do it.”_ ** ****_  
_ ****_  
_ **_“You’re a fucking coward, you can’t even get me to shut up.”_ ** ****_  
_ ****_  
_ **_“Maybe you just don’t want me to shut up.”_ ** ****_  
_ ****_  
_ **_“Finally giving in and accepting that it’s just you and me.”_ ** ****_  
_ ****__  
Tyler added a dozen more marks on his arm to match the four from earlier. Sixteen by the time morning came. Sixteen marks, dry blood flaking off of his skin.  
  
\--   
  
Josh normally didn’t smoke before school, but this was a special situation, Josh loaded a bowl, smoked it then got dressed for the day, rolled a joint and headed out the door.   
  
Josh hoped the floating, fuzzy feelings would last at least until lunch period.   
  
He’d skip eating and smoke his joint out on the football field.   
  
\--   
  
Seventh period came way too fast, he'd hoped it would never come.

 

\--

 

Josh's high was starting to fade, the buzz was duller than he'd hoped.

 

\--  


Tyler didn't go to class. He chose to hide out in the bathroom. He didn't want to see Josh.  


****_“Aw poor Ty. Can't even face Joshy.”_  
  


Tyler shook his head, “Stop.”  


****_“You know what to do if you want me to stop.”_  
  


Tyler smacked his forehead and shook his head. Trying to get Blurry's voice to go away.

 

\--

 

Class started and Tyler still hadn't shown up. Josh hated to admit it, but he was getting worried. He knew Tyler was at school, he'd see him getting a book out of his locker after fifth period. Maybe he'd just gone home sick during sixth. He was fine, probably just caught a bug. Josh knew how unlikely it was that Tyler was suddenly sick in time for seventh period. As much as he tried to ignore it, it kept bothering him. He couldn't stop wondering where Tyler was.  
  
After forty-five minutes, Josh couldn't concentrate at all. He had no idea what Mr.Rift was talking it, not that it was important anyway, there was only a couple days left.  
  
\--  
  
Tyler's not sure how long he'd been in the bathroom when he hears someone outside the door, he quickly ducked into a stall and locked the door.  
  
Tyler hears the tap turn on, "Get it together Dun. Why the fuck do you care where he's at? You can't care, not yet."  
  
Of course it would be Josh that came into the bathroom Tyler was hiding out in. Of course Tyler had that kind of luck. But what the fuck was Josh talking about? Why was he talking to himself? Who was he worried about? Why couldn't he care yet?  
  
 _ **"He's probably worried about his boyfriend."**_ Tyler shakes his head.  
  
 _ **"Don't get your hopes up Ty, he doesn't want anything to do with you. Why would he care if you're not in class? Why would he care if your hiding out in a bathroom, hyperventilating."**_ Tyler's breathing is getting harsher, he's can feel himself struggling to pull in enough oxygen.  
  
\--  
  
He couldn't stand just sitting there any more. He needed to get away for a minute, his buzz completely gone now. He wished he'd brought another joint with him. Josh asked Mr.Rift if he could go to the bathroom, maybe if he splashed a little water on himself and took a minute to clear his mind, he'd be fine. Mr.Rift excused him, and he was gone before Mr.Rift was done saying, "Yes."  
  
Normally when he went to the bathroom, he'd go to the bathroom downstairs, only because no one seemed to go in it. Josh liked privacy, and the extra time it took to get there and back was a bonus. But today something told him to go into the one down the hall from his classroom.  
  
He turned the tap on, the water was fucking cold, "Get it together Dun. Why the fuck do you care where he's at? You can't care, not yet."  
  
He knew it was stupid to think the way he was, he usually didn't give a fuck, but this was about Tyler, his fucking soulmate, his enemy, fucking everything. That terrified him.  
  
And maybe he was just scared to actually get to know Tyler, maybe he was scared that somehow he was going to cause Tyler to become his enemy and then he was going to lose his soulmate. Maybe Josh **knew** that it was stupid of him to not even talk to Tyler. Maybe he knew that there was literally no difference in talking to Tyler and starting to get to know him now, and waiting until after he got Tyler's name covered up. But if he was talking to Tyler now, he  **knows** he'd end up showing Tyler his wrists, and maybe that's what would make Tyler his enemy. Maybe that's how Josh would fuck it all up.  
  
\--  
  
His lungs were burning, he was trying so hard to be quiet, he didn't want Josh to know he was there.  
  
The water turned off, and he heard Josh exit the bathroom; Tyler promptly hit his head off the stall door, trying unsuccessfully to calm himself down, and to stop Blurry's taunts.  
  
 __ **"C'mon Ty, stop being a fucking pussy. Get the fuck out of this bathroom, and go home and do what we both know you want to do."**  
  
Tyler hit his head again, and again. He was starting to feel dizzy, and Blurry's words were becoming distorted. Tyler walked out on shaky legs, grabbed his stuff from his locker and made his way towards the doors.  
  
He was so close, the door was right there, a few feet away, "Mr.Joseph, where exactly do you think you are going?" Tyler shook his head.  
  
"I just needed to leave, I don't feel good." He lied, he never lies, makes him feel guilty.  
  
At least it wasn't the principal that busted him this time, it was the librarian, the one who'd supervised the first detention he'd ever gotten, Mrs.Clifford.  
  
"I'm sorry but, to leave the school before the bell you must be excused by either the principal or the nurse. Have you spoken to either of them?"  
  
Tyler wanted to lie again, but he knew she would go check with them if he said yes, "No, I just, I just really need to leave." It was becoming harder to breathe and his head was starting to ache.  
  
"You need to come with me to the office." Tyler shook his head and took off running, he pushed the door open, and didn't stop running until he could see his front door.  
  
\--  
  
The bell rang, and Josh jumped out of his seat. He needed to get home, needed to stop thinking.  
  
Josh didn't say a word to anyone, went straight to his room, loaded a bowl, finished it off, loaded another and smoked half before passing out, trying not to think about Tyler fucking Joseph.  
  
\--  
  
Zack got home barely a half hour after Tyler. Tyler had hoped he would've gone to his friend Andy's house or decided to watch tv or anything other than coming into their bedroom.  
  
Tyler jumped when the door flew open, he tried to yank his sleeve down, he tried to hide the razor from Zack, but Tyler didn't have time to pull his sleeve back down, didn't have time to toss the razor back into the drawer.  
  
Zack saw the metal and the blood and tears on Tyler's face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quickly just want to ask you not to fucking hate me for the next chapter, because there is going to be a bit of a time jump. I hate to do it, but I feel like it's necessary for what I want to write next. So let me apologize now, and then probably 700 times in the next chapter's notes. Sorry.  
> x


	4. But I can tell you that I've had enough (Open arms reject assuming hands)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again let me apologize for the time jump, I hate to do it but I needed to. There was just some things that I knew I couldn't write and needed to skip.
> 
> And I know this chapter has a super long fucking title, sorry, I actually couldn't decide between the two, but I think I like it better with them combined they way they are now. I don't know. Also if you know where they are both from, kudos to you.
> 
> Also the time jump isn't going to be like suddenly it's three years later or something shitty like that, I'm going to "show" some snippets from during the time jump so you'll see some of it. Also it'll probably be a little hard to decipher when things are happening exactly, unless specifically mentioned, because as I was writing it, when I would switch POV I wasn't really paying attention to "when" it was supposed to be, just that it was all happening during the jump. For example, one scene it'll be say beginning of October, and the next scene might be something that happened in late September. And I know it's confusing, and I'm sorry, but I've already re-written this three times, just tonight.
> 
> Also there is a second pairing in this chapter at least, not sure if I plan on continuing it for a bit or not, but I don't want to say who it is, because I don't want to "spoil" anything, which is why I'm not adding them to the tags. Sorry.

Graduation comes and Tyler isn't there.  
  
\--  
  
Josh hasn't seen him in twenty-four days. He's so fucking worried about Tyler. To shut his brain up, he buys an ounce from Brendon, and smokes it way too fast. He needs something else, Brendon suggests he try Xanax, so Josh does; and even though he hates the way it makes him feel, he forgets about Tyler, at least for a while.  
  
Tomorrow is Josh's birthday, he had hoped to get Tyler's name on his right wrist covered on his birthday and then go straight to Tyler and try to get him to not hate Josh for being an asshole.  
  
He couldn't get his tattoo on his birthday though, he didn't have the money to, he'd had a job at a grocery store, bagging up people's stuff and helping them put it in their cars and then he didn't show up three days in a row, and they fired him.  
  
He's got to get a new job, save up some money, and then he can get it done. It should take too long. He'll be talking to Tyler by the end of the month. He hoped at least.  
  
\--  
  
July first comes and Josh still hasn't gotten Tyler's name covered.  
  
No one wants to hire him. He doesn't understand why. But maybe it's because he's always high when he goes in for his interview, he's not smoking before he goes in, but he's taking Xanax regularly now, it's a constant state for him.  
  
\--  
  
Tyler stopped talking after he got caught by Zack. His mother cried for two days straight it seemed and his dad wouldn't even look at him anymore. Zack and Maddy were too cautious around him; barely said anything to him.  
  
Blurry wouldn't shut up though. Constantly taunting him, telling him how much of a fuck-up he was. Worst of all was Blurry reminding him of how he hadn't seen Josh since that day in the bathroom, and he hadn't even really seen Josh then, he'd only heard his voice.  
  
Tyler missed Josh, but there was really no reason for it, Josh wanted nothing to do with him.  
  
\--  
  
Things seemed to be getting better, Josh had gotten hired at on of the music stores in the mall, the pay was pretty much shit, but it helped keep him in stock of weed and pills. And maybe he was throwing loose change into a jar marked "Tattoo Fund", so far he about forty-eight cents in it.  
  
\--  
  
The first time he let Brendon fuck him, he was lonely, and fucked up. He'd gone over to get re-up, and realized he was a little short on cash. And in the back of his mind, he knew that Brendon would let him off, give him another "discount", he always did.  
  
So maybe he let Brendon fuck him because he wanted it.  
  
Maybe he likes it and maybe he wants it to happen again.  
  
But maybe he cries when he gets home, and maybe he takes an extra couple Xanax that night.  
  
\--  
  
It becomes a regular thing, when he goes to re-up, he lets Brendon fuck him.  
  
\--  
  
It's Halloween and Maddy decided she wanted to dress up, and there's left over body paint, and Tyler snags a bottle, and smears the black paint onto his neck and all over his hands and wrists.  
  
His mother smiles at him when she sees it, tells him that she thinks it's nice that he's dressing up for the holiday.  
  
She doesn't find it nice when he does it the next day, and the one after.  
  
By Thanksgiving she's yelled at him more times than he can count.  
  
He still doesn't talk, and he's smeared in paint, and his father tells him he's not allowed to join them for Thanksgiving dinner, and Blurryface laughs at him.  
  
\--  
  
By November Josh has seventy-five dollars saved up, and he knows it's not nearly enough, but it's progress and he's proud.  
  
\--  
  
He's started bringing his pills with him to work, he typically works eight hour shifts, and takes at least four pills while he's there.  
  
He's started playing the drums while he's there, and his boss keeps telling him that he's a natural. Josh thinks he sounds like shit, but then customers start telling him he sounds good. And Josh starts to believe them.  
  
\--  
  
Thanksgiving comes and Josh doesn't even notice, he's smoked two bowls and taken three Xanax by the time his mom tells him it's time for dinner.  
  
He stumbles down the stairs, ready to eat as much as he can. When he realizes this isn't a nice holiday  meal, it's so much more.  
  
His parents, siblings and even grandparents and an aunt and uncle he hasn't seen in a couple years are all sitting around the dining room table, no food in sight. His sister's both have papers sitting in front of them, and his grandfather looks like he's been crying.  
  
\--  
  
Josh voluntarily checks himself into rehab after his family's Thanksgiving intervention.  
  
He tried fighting it, but there was no point. He  **knew** he had a problem.  
  
They won't let him wear sweatshirts and long sleeves in the center.  
  
After two days, his councilor sees his wrists. He begs them not to tell anyone, especially not his parents.  
  
\--  
  
The insomnia kicks in, and so do the shakes and anxiety. Josh feels worse than he thought he could.  
  
He's depressed and everyone keeps asking him about his wrists and his muscles ache and he just wants to be left alone.  
  
The third night he wakes up at one thirty and throws up all over himself. He's sweating and his head is throbbing, he's crying and covered in vomit and he just really wants to crawl into a hole and die.  
  
\--  
  
Day nine, he's not so sick anymore, he hasn't thrown up in two days, but the light still hurts his eyes and makes his head throb.  
  
Every thing pisses him off, he's yelled at three people in the last twenty minutes, and he  **knows** they didn't actually do anything to him, but he's so angry that he doesn't care.  
  
They keep telling him that the aggression is just a symptom of the detox, but he thinks it's more than that.  
  
He's started thinking about Tyler again, he hadn't actively thought about him since the first time he let Brendon fuck him.  
  
He thinks about the jar at home that should have been filled weeks ago, and he cries the entire night.  
  
He misses Tyler.  
  
\--  
  
No one even wished him happy birthday, and it hurt.  
  
\--  
  
He's excluded from Christmas too, and he couldn't care less.  
  
His grandparents try to give him a present, despite his dad telling them to ignore Tyler, to cheer him up, he glares at them and doesn't say a word.  
  
\--  
  
  
He's moved onto different places to cut himself, less noticeable to his family, it hurts more on his thighs than his arms, and he likes it.  
  
Blurry's taunts are still there, but Tyler's learned to ignore him.  
  
Some days Blurryface will scream at him, trying to get a reaction out of him. Most days it doesn't work, but when it does, Tyler cuts a little deeper, and Blurry laughs at him.  _ **"Still can't get me to go away."**_  
  
\--  
  
It's been eight months since Tyler's spoken a single word to anyone. He hates the silence, at first he told himself that he wasn't talking because he needed to be punished, Blurryface's words not his own, for being stupid and getting caught by his brother. He later realized that it was more so that he wasn't talking because he didn't want to talk to anyone other than Josh, but he was gone, so Tyler stayed silent.  
  
\--  
  
Josh was supposed to be released around Christmas, technically he could leave whenever he wanted, he was a voluntary patient, but after the thirty days, they asked him if he wanted to stay another sixty, and he agreed.  
  
\--  
  
Valentines day was especially lonely for him, he hadn't had anyone before, but this year he  **knew** he had someone that he could've spent it with, he'd actually seen his soulmate now, he could put a face to the name, and he wanted more than anything to be with Tyler.  
  
\--  
  
His ninety days were up on February twenty-second, his mom picked him up and took him home. While he'd been gone, his dad had gone through his bedroom and got rid of all of his drug's and paraphernalia. Josh was grateful for it. He didn't think he'd be able to throw it out himself.  
  
His mom gave him his cell phone back, he wasn't allowed to have it while at the center, so she kept it for him, she paid his bill and kept the phone powered off, not trying to invade his privacy.  
  
When he turned it on he was greeted by a full voicemail box and at least fifty text messages from Brendon.  
  
Most messages consisted of Brendon asking where his Joshy had gone, or when his best customer was coming back for more? A few of the messages seemed more sincere, it seemed like Brendon was genuinely concerned about where Josh was, and if he was okay.  
  
Josh deleted them all and didn't even consider calling Brendon back.  
  
\--  
  
The day after he got home, he went into the music shop he'd worked at to see if maybe he could get his job back. They agreed.  
  
Josh was playing drums again and steadily saving money for his tattoo.  
  
By the middle of March he had one hundred and thirty-eight dollars saved. He was getting closer, he had set a goal months ago that he wouldn't book an appointment until he had at least two hundred saved.  
  
\--  
  
April sixteenth he had two hundred and three dollars saved, he called a local shop he'd heard good things about, and sets up a consultation. Three days later he's in the shop, discussing what he can get to cover the name on his right wrists, and thankfully the tattoo artist doesn't ask why he wants the name covered.  
  
Josh finally decides he wants a a black and grey forest, at first the artist is hesitant, then Josh explains that he wants it dark and intense and spooky. The artists, Toby, draws it up and Josh loves it. He gives him a deposit and plans to come back the next day to get it done.  
  
\--  
  
It takes four hours for it to be completed, and it hurt like a bitch, but it's definitely worth it. Tyler's name is no longer visible and finally Josh can go find him.  
  
It doesn't take Josh long to find out where Tyler's parents live, he hoped Tyler still lived with them.  
  
\--  
  
The door bell rings, and Maddy answers it. It's a boy she's never seen before, he's got plastic wrap around his wrist and he's asking for Tyler and Maddy is so confused. No one's ever shown up looking for Tyler.  
  
She invites mystery boy into the house, has him wait in the living room while she goes into the basement to tell Tyler he has a visitor.  
  
"Tyler, there's a guy here looking for you." Tyler ignores her.  
  
"I'm serious, he asked for you. He's tall and has dark hair, he looked pretty determined Tyler." Still nothing.  
  
"Fine, if you want to act like this, I'll just bring him down here." Finally Tyler looks at her, glares really, but still says nothing. Maddy sighs and makes her way back up to the living room.  
  
"So uh, Tyler's not um, up for visitors right now."  
  
"Please, it's been so long, just for a minute. I just need to say hello." She knows it's probably not a good idea, but if Tyler's going to act the way he is and refuse to even come up to see the guy, she might as well take the guy down, and force some human interaction onto Tyler.  
  
"Okay, he's in the basement, I'll take you to the door, but you're on your own after that."  
  
"No problem, thank you." He smiles and his face crinkles up around his eyes, and he looks so happy.  
  
\--  
  
Eleven steps and he's in the basement, it's a bit dark and there's a piano in the middle of the room. Tyler's sitting behind it, finger's on the keys, but no playing.  
  
Josh immediately notices the black paint smeared onto Tyler's throat, hands and wrists. There is a smudge of it on his nose and a streak across his white t-shirt.  
  
Tyler doesn't even look up, just stares at his hands.  
  
"Hey Tyler." Josh's voice is quieter than he'd wanted it to be.  
  
Tyler's head snaps up and he looks directly into Josh's eyes.  
  
\--  
  
The sound of Josh's voice startles him, it's been so long. Still he doesn't say anything.  
  
 _ **"You know he's not really here. And if he is, it's only to fuck you over."**_  
  
Tyler hopes Blurryface is wrong.


	5. Cause bad habits they die hard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At least for this chapter, and possibly the next there will still be some time jumps, but they won't be super severe, like maybe a few days here and there, a week or two maybe. But not months like last time. Sorry, I'm just shit at writing and can't figure out how to write in all the small details, and I know a lot of writer's use time jumps of a day or two or whatever all the time, I just feel bad about it. I've always wanted to not do that because I wanted to show everything, but I just can't.
> 
> Also the return of that side pairing from before, I'm still not sure how I feel about it, but I need something destructive for Joshy-boy.
> 
> And if for some reason you think the price I've given to the paint Tyler buys is too high, I promise you it's not. I actually went to a website, and looked up the cheapest kind and it was $4.49 a tube, so like yeah, I added a fucking penny to that to make it even, because numbers that aren't multiples of 5 bother the fuck out of me. Sorry.

Josh stands waiting for Tyler to say something, anything, but nothing comes out. Tyler doesn't even look at him again. Just back down to stare at his hands.  
  
"Tyler, I know it's been a while, and I know I was an asshole, and I'm sorry." He tries to apologize, and still Tyler won't look at him.  
  
Tyler's fingers brush against the keys and a few stray sounds fill the room, but no words.  
  
And Josh gets it, he understands that the way he treated Tyler in school wasn't nice, Tyler knew that Josh had his name on his wrist and that they were destined to know each other, good or bad, and still Josh treated him the way he did. He knows it was wrong and that he should've at least spoken to Tyler like a normal human talks to their peers, but he was scared. So terrified of Tyler finding out about how much of a freak Josh was for having the same name on his wrists. But that was over now, that wasn't even something that could possibly happen, the name was covered and Josh wanted to start over.  
  
Tyler didn't seem to agree.  
  
"I know I shouldn't have treated you the way I did. We're meant to know each other, be it soulmate or enemy, I should've at least given you a chance. I stupidly didn't, and then things got complicated and I had to go to rehab, and Tyler, I'm sorry. I just want to start this all over again."  
  
Tyler shakes his head, just slightly, but doesn't say a word.  
  
"Please." Silence.  
  
Josh steps closer to Tyler, "Hi, I'm Josh Dun. You are?" But Tyler still says nothing, he does however begin to play something slow and painful sounding.  
  
\--  
  
Josh moved closer to him, Blurry was screaming at Tyler, telling him to make Josh go away. That he was only there to hurt him. "Hi, I'm Josh Dun. You are?"  
  
And Tyler wants to say something, he wants to re-introduce himself the way Josh is, but he can't.  
  
_**"Make him leave Tyler. It's just us, always us. Make him go away, or I'll hurt him."**_ Tyler knows that Blurryface can't hurt Josh, because he's not real, just a voice inside Tyler's head, but still it scares him.  
  
He's not sure what to do, but the silence is becoming more and more uncomfortable, so he begins to play, it's nothing special, and nothing specific, just something Tyler'd been messing around writing.  
  
\--  
  
"I just wish you'd say something, acknowledge the fact that I'm here and I'm trying to make this right." Josh's voice shakes as he speaks, he knows it's stupid to be so upset, he's the one who fucked up not Tyler, but still it hurts. And he doesn't even know Tyler, except he knows that he's  **supposed to know** Tyler, and that's why it hurts.  
  
"I guess I'll just go home. I'll leave you my number if you change your mind and want to talk about this." Josh pulls things out of his pockets, looking for the receipt from the fast food he'd got before going in for his tattoo. He finds it after a little digging, he doesn't have a pen though, his eyes scan the room, looking for a pen. There's one sitting on the table behind Tyler. Josh walks around Tyler and the piano and picks up the pen, writes his name and number, extra carefully onto the back of the receipt and then sets it on the top of the piano while Tyler's still playing.  
  
"Hopefully I'll see you later Tyler." Josh doesn't want to go back up those eleven steps, he doesn't want to walk away from Tyler again, but Tyler wants nothing to do with him, so he leaves.  
  
\--  
  
"Hopefully I'll see you later Tyler." The words barely register in Tyler's head, he still playing, never faltering, but he can't stop staring at the paper sitting onto of his piano, Josh's number. Tyler wants to snatch it up immediately and send Josh a text that says, "I'm sorry. I just can't talk to you right now." But he can't, Josh isn't even up the stairs yet, it would be incredibly stupid to text him when he's still technically in the same room.  
  
_**"Throw it away Ty. You don't need him. He doesn't want you. He's just trying to get a feel for you, see what he can get out of you if he makes you believe that he's your soulmate, and I'm not. Don't believe him Tyler. Throw that fucking paper away, and come play with me."**_ Tyler's fingers slip, he hits the wrong keys and the song is done. He wants to keep the number, but Blurryface says to get rid of it. He knows that Blurry is right, he's always right. But Tyler can't bring himself to get rid of the piece of paper with Josh's number on it.  
  
Tyler picks the paper up and flips it over, almost smiling when he sees that it's a receipt from burger king.  
  
\--  
  
Josh hated to leave Tyler, but he didn't know what else to do. He tried not to think too much about it.  
  
\--  
  
Going to see Tyler and being rejected was the start of a new routine for Josh. Get up at seven every morning, shower at seven ten, breakfast at seven forty-five, brush teeth at eight-o-eight, work at eight thirty sharp, lunch break at twelve thirty seven, "drum practice" at one fifteen, back to work at one forty-five, off work at four thirty, diner at five ten, "free time" until seven fifty-five, brush teeth at eight, bed time at eight fifteen, rinse and repeat. It worked for him. Most days it was boring and he hated it, but it kept his mind off of Tyler and the fact that he still hadn't heard from him.  
  
It had been six days so far, and still silence. Josh couldn't even try to call Tyler, or text him. He hadn't gotten Tyler's number, only left his own. That was a stupid choice.  
  
Josh would never admit it, but in between his daily activities he would check his phone a billion times, hoping to have missed something from Tyler.  
  
He never did.  
  
\--  
  
Three days after Josh had been inside his home, Tyler picked up his phone and typed Josh's number into and clicked on the message icon, he typed an elaborate text message explaining why he couldn't talk to him right now, but that he wanted to and would, soon enough.  
  
Blurry made him delete it. Tyler  **knows** that Blurryface didn't actually do anything, it was just his fears and anger that made him delete it.  
  
\--  
  
Tyler smeared the last of the black body paint onto himself, intent on actually doing something other than sitting in the house.  
  
He would go out, buy more paint and hopefully not have to listen to Blurryface's taunts all day long.  
  
The party supply store that carried the paint he'd been using that his mother had bought for his sister, was located inside the mall. Tyler had always hated going to the mall, too many people. But he had to do this. He needed the paint, it helped him. And his mother refused to go out and buy him more.  
  
_**"C'mon Ty, stay home with me. We can play, add some nice marks to your pretty skin."**_ Tyler shook his head, and ignore Blurryface. He wasn't going to let Blurry stop him from doing something he wanted, not again.  
  
"Shut up asshole." Tyler hadn't said the words out loud, only in his head, but he wanted to scream them.  
  
\--  
  
Two fifty-three was such an insignificant time. Josh wasn't doing anything special then, just trying to stay busy. But today, fourteen days since Josh had seen Tyler and given him his phone number, Josh saw Tyler again. He was wearing a black t-shirt, black pants, black hat and black paint. Josh wondered what the paint was for. Tyler was walking past the music store, into the party supply store. Josh wanted to follow Tyler, see if maybe he would talk to him this time.  
  
He looked around the store, the only customer was a girl that came in every day to look at the new stuff they got. She would be fine on her own, it's not like Josh was the only employee working.  
  
Josh followed Tyler into the party supply store.  
  
\--  
  
__**"Let's go home now Tyler. You look like a freak with the paint anyway, you don't need it. The marks on your skin are enough, and they're from me. Forget the paint and go home."**  
Blurryface tried so hard to get Tyler to turn around and go home. He wasn't going to give in, not until he'd purchased the nine tubes of black body paint that were left on the shelf.  
  
\--  
  
Tyler was grabbing the paint off the shelves, just as Josh suspected he'd be doing.  
  
"What's the paint for?" It was a stupid, obvious question. Tyler jumped when Josh spoke to him. Tyler didn't say anything, just shoved the remaining paint into the basket he was holding.  
  
"C'mon Tyler, I know you're still upset about the way I treated you. But I'm sorry, I want to start this over." Tyler shook his head and walked towards the cash register.  
  
\--  
  
Tyler set his basket on the counter and ignoring Josh hurt.  
  
"That'll be forty dollars and fifty cents sir." Before Tyler could get his wallet out, Josh was handing the cashier money. Tyler wanted to tell the cashier not to take it, that Tyler could pay for it on his own, that he didn't need Josh to pay for him. But Blurryface had told Tyler not to speak out loud, so he didn't.  
  
His voice destroyed things, just as his hands did.  
  
His words hurt his family, and his chance of Josh becoming something to him. His hands inflicted damage onto his skin. So Tyler covered them in the paint, to hide them, to hide what they could do. He smeared the paint up onto his wrists to hide the names on them, because those too hurt himself and his family. If he hadn't had the name of a boy on his wrists, maybe his parents would actually care. And maybe if he didn't have his own name on his wrist they wouldn't look at him like he was insane.  
  
\--  
  
Josh didn't even think about, just pulled the money out of his wallet and handed it to the cashier before Tyler could. He wanted to show Tyler that it didn't matter if he talked to Josh or not, he was still going to try.  
  
\--  
  
Tyler rolled his eyes, shook his head and took the bag and receipt from the cashier and walked away. Josh was following him, Tyler could feel his eyes on him.  
  
Tyler didn't stop walking though, continued on. He walked out into the parking lot, got into the car his grandfather had given him when he turned sixteen and drove away before Josh could catch up.  
  
\--  
  
Three days passed and Josh still didn't hear from Tyler, he wasn't really expecting a thank you for buying the paint or anything like that, but he'd hoped that maybe the gesture would've woken something in Tyler and he would've at least texted a quick hello or something.  
  
Josh was getting lonely, he didn't have friends, none that he'd seen since school at least. He worked every day except Sundays and Thursdays, he didn't exactly have time to make new friends. His family was always busy doing something, and as loving and supportive as they were, they didn't have time to hang out with Josh and just talk or watch a movie or whatever.  
  
And that's how Josh finds himself standing outside of Brendon's house. He  **knows** it's a stupid decision. He shouldn't be there, he shouldn't have anything to do with Brendon anymore. But he can't help it.  
  
He knocks on the door and it's swinging open seconds later, "Hey man, I was wondering when you'd get here, I've got your stuff in the other room." Brendon doesn't even look at him, doesn't notice that he's not his next customer.  
  
"That's not why I'm here." Brendon eyes widen, and Josh swears he sees his ears perk up.  
  
"Joshy? Where have you been? How are you doing? I've missed you." Brendon's pulling him into a hug and Josh feels like he's melting. He's missed Brendon's constant hugs and touches. Josh can smell the weed on Brendon, and he can see the redness of Brendon's eyes. He's definitely high, and Josh really doesn't care.  
  
"I'm fine Bren, just had some shit to deal with. But I'm back man, and I've missed you too." And maybe Josh has tears welling up in his eyes, and maybe they're not only there because he's missed Brendon. Maybe they're there because he misses the high and maybe they are there because he regrets fucking everything up with Tyler.  
  
"C'mon, come in. Sit with me Joshy." Brendon pulls him into the living room, and down onto the couch with him. Limbs tangle together as Brendon wraps himself around Josh.  
  
\--  
  
Josh tries to ignore the bottles of pills scattered around the room, and tries to ignore the joint sitting on the coffee table, tries to ignore the white powder in the little blue baggies sitting on the table against the far wall. Brendon never was one to hide his shit, he liked it displayed, he was proud of it.  
  
"You know why I'm here, don't you?"  
  
Brendon hesitated, "The good shit?"  
  
Josh smirks, "Not exactly," he presses his lips against Brendon's. "I want the best shit. You."  
  
\--  
  
It all becomes a blur to Josh, tongue and teeth licking and biting. Hands rubbing and touching. Clothes are lost, and Josh loses a sock for real. And then Josh cums with Brendon's name on his lips, but Tyler in his head.


	6. Make it easy, say I'll never matter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear I'm trying, I just sorta feel like I don't know how to write anymore.. I feel like everything I'm writing is just repeating the same thing, over and over again. I'm sorry.
> 
> Also I typically don't do "text messages" in my stories, but I'm trying new things, so text messages will be italicized, I mean they'll also be "time stamped" but this way they'll definitely be recognizable.
> 
> And once again small time jumps, but nothing too extreme, for example at the beginning of this chapter it will have been two weeks since the ending of the last chapter and then it will skip like two or three days max. After that it'll only be a day between scenes at most.
> 
> Also don't know if I ever explained that Josh can't see the names on Brendon's wrists and if you remember others can't see the names until both you have each other's names on you, Brendon had never seen Josh's names until after he covered one. Brendon doesn't want to find his soulmate, or enemy, at least that's what he keeps telling himself. He knows there isn't a point in looking if his soulmate and enemy don't have his name on them, yet.
> 
> One last thing, then I'm done rambling, I promise. If a sentence is worded funny or it's extra awkward or something, I'm sorry. I second guess myself a million times with everything I write, I literally could rewrite the sentence, "He woke up and got ready for work" three million times, making it sound different every time and never be fully satisfied with the finished product. Maybe that's just the perfectionist side of my OCD fucking with me.

Every time Josh goes to Brendon's it's for one thing and one thing only. He keeps telling himself that, over and over. Until the one day it's not.  
  
Josh knew it was a bad idea to start going to Brendon's again, there were drugs and temptations every where Josh looked. He thought he could handle it.  
  
Brendon was just finishing up with a "customer" when Josh got to his house. The girl was buying Adderall. Josh hadn't ever wanted to try it, he was already hyper enough, then again he never had planned on taking Xanax and he had. What would it hurt to just try it once? He wouldn't have to do it ever again.  
  
"C'mon Bren, just let me try once. You know I've got the cash if you want, but I think I know a better way to pay you." Josh slid his hand down Brendon's chest until he could palm Brendon's cock through the sweatpants he had on.  
  
"Snort or swallow?" Brendon was grinning.  
  
Josh was feeling adventurous, "Snort."  
  
\--  
  
The sensations of Brendon fucking him after snorting the Adderall was like nothing Josh could've ever imagined. It was so much better than the Xanax. Everything seemed to be amplified, Adderall's purpose was to make you focus, and Josh was definitely focused on everything Brendon did. Every touch and every sound. Josh felt like he could hear Brendon's thoughts.  
  
\--  
  
Tyler had been trying to build up the courage to text Josh for over two weeks, and every time he would type out a message that he was happy with, Blurryface would tell him how stupid  _it_ was,  **he** was, and he would delete it, and try again the next day.  
  
But today was the day, Blurry wasn't going to win this time.  
  
To shut him up, briefly at least, Tyler added three deep cuts to his left thigh before he picked up his phone and started tying.  
  
_May 26th 11:04 am - I know it's been a long time since we've talked. Over a year by now. I would apologize, but that's on you, I tried to talk to you, you rejected me. But that's not why I'm texting you now, you told me when I was ready to talk to let you know. And I am. Ready, I mean. Maybe not in person just yet. I feel like an idiot doing this, but I think I'll be okay if I just send messages, I can't see the disappointment or ridicule on your face so I'll be fine. So I guess just ya know, text me back if you want._  
  
Actually pressing the send button wasn't as hard as Tyler had thought it would be, at least Blurry didn't have anything to say.  
  
\--  
  
Josh ignored his phone as it pinged at him, signalling a text message, the only people who ever texted him were Brendon, his sisters, brother and rarely his mom. He was with Brendon, so it wasn't him, and anything his family had to say right now didn't matter.  
  
Josh sniffled and wiped his nose. He had to get back to work soon.  
  
"I'll see you after work, okay?"  
  
Brendon didn't even look up from the weed he was sorting out into individual baggies. "Yeah, sure."  
  
Josh sighed, grabbed his phone from off the table and headed out the door.  
  
When he got to the mall, he was already ten minutes late coming back from his lunch hour.  
  
He punched back in, muttered a quick apology to his manager and went out onto the floor, there was no one in the store, he could still play drums for a bit until it got busy.  
  
He was still telling himself that the Adderall was just to help him focus more, he liked to think that he could drum better after taking it. His thoughts weren't so jumbled up when he was high. That's the only reason he was taking it. In the back of his mind he knew if that was the case he would be swallowing it, like he had with the Xanax, but he was snorting this time. His nose was always burning, and it had bled once or twice but that didn't mean anything, he wasn't addicted again.  **He wasn't.**  
  
\--  
  
Three hours and he still hadn't gotten a message back, Josh hadn't even opened the message yet, there wasn't a notification that it had been read.  
  
Blurryface was back, taunting him. Telling him he was an idiot for texting Josh. He'd only given Tyler his number so he could use him whenever he wanted, it wasn't because he actually wanted to talk.  
  
Tyler hit his head off the wall a couple dozen times, trying to get Blurry's voice to go away. When it didn't, he crept into the bathroom and added another mark to his leg.  
  
\--  
  
It was almost midnight by the time Josh got home from Brendon's house. He could've stayed over, but he knew his mom would be asking all kinds of questions if he was over there too much. She knew that Josh had the name Tyler on his wrist, and while she didn't know what the other wrist had said, Josh knew that she knew the name wasn't Brendon's. Relationships with someone who's name wasn't on your wrist was frowned upon, and Josh had already hurt his mom enough, he didn't want hurt her more by "being with someone" he wasn't supposed to be with.  
  
When he plugged his phone in the screen lit up, and Josh was reminded of the message he'd gotten hours earlier. He unlocked his phone, the message was from a number he didn't recognize. He opened it, read it once, twice, three times still not fully believing it. Tyler texted him, he finally texted him and Josh had ignored him.  
  
_May 26th 11:57 pm - Tyler I'm so sorry it's so late, and I'm sorry I didn't see your message until now. I was at work when I got it, and I forgot. I'm sorry. I could apologize a million times and still feel bad about it. I'm still here if you want to talk, now or later. And I get it, you don't want to talk in person, but Tyler know that I could never be disappointed by you or make fun of you. I'm sorry if I made it seem like that was the case. Just text me back Tyler. I was serious when I said I wanted to start this over, everything that's happened doesn't matter anymore._  
  
He sent the message without hesitation. Then quickly sent another after it,  
  
_May 27th 12:01 am - Hi, I'm Josh Dun. What's your name?_  
  
Josh smiled to himself and hoped that Tyler would text him again.  
  
He got up, changed into a pair of shorts and flopped back down onto his bed, hoping that he'd wake up to a nice text from Tyler.  
  
Josh had just rolled over, facing the wall the, lying on his left side, when his phone pinged.  
  
_May 27th 12:06 am - Tyler Robert Joseph._  
  
Josh couldn't stop smiling.  
  
_May 27th 12:08 am - Nice to meet you Tyler._  
  
_May 28th 12:08 am - What are you doing awake so late don't you have a job to go to in the morning?_  
  
_May 28th 12:10 am - I'm off tomorrow. And even if I wasn't, do you honestly think that I would just ignore you again?_  
  
_May 28th 12:13 am - I had worried you might._  
  
_May 28th 12:14 am - Don't. You don't have to worry about that anymore. I will always have time for you Ty._  
  
  
The messages stopped after that, Josh hoped he hadn't upset Tyler and that he'd just fallen asleep.  
  
\--  
  
**_"DON'T LET HIM CALL YOU THAT TY. THAT'S MY NAME FOR YOU!"_** Blurryface was yelling, he'd been back for a while now. Tyler was doing everything he could to ignore him, he wanted to talk to Josh so badly.  
  
Tyler threw his phone onto the stand next to his bed, Zack was staying at Andy's house, Tyler didn't have to worry too much about being quiet, so he let his tears fall and the sobbing sounds out.  
  
Around the time the sun came up, he fell asleep, exhausted.  
  
\--  
  
_May 28th 4:47 am - DON'T CALL ME THAT. NEVER CALL ME TY! Blurryface is the only one that can call me Ty. My name is Tyler Robert Joseph, never Ty._  
  
Josh hadn't heard the ping when he'd gotten the message, but it was the first thing he saw when he woke up at eleven. He didn't understand. He snorted two Adderall and tried to understand what Tyler meant, and who the fuck Blurryface was?


	7. Why dance with the devil when you have me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been told to be more confident with my writing, and I'm trying so hard. That being said, I think I only rewrote about half of this chapter, which is really good for me.  
> This chapter will start off pretty much where the last one ended, just a few hours later.  
> One last thing, I promise, if anyone can figure out who the Andy I'm using as Zack's friend is, I will love you forever. I mean I will anyway, but if you figure it out, you are the best. Let me know. I'll give you a couple hints, he is also a musician, he is the same age as Zack, and also born in Ohio, different town but not too far, like 106 miles lol, from Columbus.  
> Also I literally have zero clue if either of the boys know him, but like I wanted to throw him in because why the fuck not? And he's not gonna actually be "seen" so there's no point in tagging him, but when I found out he was also from Ohio and the same age as Zack I was like well now I have to put him in as Zack's friend, so yeah.  
> I'm done rambling now. Sorry.

It's nearly two when Tyler wakes up. He doesn't even remember falling asleep, the last thing he remembers is Blurryface screaming in his head because Josh had called him Ty.  
  
He cautiously picks up his phone, preparing himself to text Josh and apologize for suddenly ending the conversation. He slides his finger across the screen unlocking it and discovers that he has three text messages, all from Josh.  
  
 _May 28th 11:34 am - I literally have no idea who the fuck that is, but I get it okay, I won't call you that name again, I'm sorry.  
  
_ _May 28th 12:17 pm - Hopefully you're still asleep and not just super pissed off at me.  
  
_ _May 28th 1:41 pm - I hope I didn't fuck this up again.  
  
_ Tyler doesn't exactly understand the first message, but then he notices the last text he sent to Josh  
  
 _May 28th 4:47 am - DON'T CALL ME THAT. NEVER CALL ME TY! Blurryface is the only one that can call me Ty. My name is Tyler Robert Joseph, never Ty._  
  
He wants to scream, he wants to throw his phone against the wall and smash it apart, he doesn't remember sending that message. He told Josh about Blurryface, he didn't explain it, but he'd never told anyone about him before.  
  
 _ **"Punish yourself Ty. You know you're not supposed to tell anyone about me, if you do, they'll try to make me go away, and we can't have that. We're meant to be Ty, you can't let anyone take me away."  
  
**_ Tyler knows he shouldn't listen to Blurry, but he can't make himself ignore Blurry, not this time.  
  
Zack isn't home yet, so he doesn't even have to get out of bed. He pulls out the razor, the one he kept hidden in his room in case the few in the bathroom were found. He's wearing shorts, something he doesn't do in fear that someone would see the old marks and the new ones, the ones that are barely scabbed over and the ones that are so old they're barely visible anymore. He pulls the fabric up his right thigh and presses deep, the pain immediate and needed. He drags the blade across his skin, watching as the blood comes to the surface. It stings, and it'll ache soon enough, and Tyler can't get enough, and Blurry stops his ranting and Tyler presses in again, a little deeper this time. The pain is worse, but he doesn't stop,  **can't** stop.  
  
When he's done there's so much blood, it's on his sheets and stains his skin and he doesn't know how to hide it. Someone will see it on the sheets or on his skin as he tries to get into the bathroom to clean it up. Why did he decided to stay in bed? And then he hears his phone go off again, he hopes it's not from Josh again, in his mind he knows it is, and he doesn't pick up the phone just yet.  
  
\--  
  
It's almost three and Tyler still hasn't texted him back and he's getting worried. He must've really fucked up. He'd already done that once, and he hated to do it again.  
  
 _May 28th 2:52 pm - I've said it already, but I really am sorry. But I didn't know. If I hadn't been such an asshole toward you for so long, maybe I would've known, so yeah, it's all on me. It's my fault I fucked this up again. But Tyler, please, just let me try again. There are so many things that I need to learn about you so I don't hurt you, but I can't do that if you won't talk to me. I'm not trying to pressure you into forgiving me or talking to me again, but Tyler, it's been so long and I feel like shit. And you are my soulmate Tyler, your name is on my wrist, and you said you felt a tingle around me, and I laughed at you at the time, but I was too scared to admit that I felt it too. Text me when you're ready, I'll always be here Tyler.  
  
_ He's snorted two more Adderall since he woke up, and he's already itching for more.  
  
He breaks the capsules apart, and looks over to make sure his door is locked. It goes in quick, his nose feels numb and he sniffles a few times, and then he waits. It doesn't take long to feel the effects, they aren't as strong as he'd hoped, so he does it once more. And his nose starts to bleed, it's only a few drips but he knows that means he should stop, but he doesn't want to.  
  
\--  
  
Josh eats dinner with his family, although he barely even eats three bites. His mom asks him if he's feeling sick, he tells her a little bit, she tells him to go lay down and rest. He goes up to his room, locks the door and snorts four more pills. Still no text from Tyler, honestly he hadn't expected one though.  
  
\--  
  
Tyler doesn't leave his room all day, and Zack comes back, and asks if he's gotten up, Tyler ignores him and pulls the blankets over his head.  
  
He never cleaned up the blood, his skin is dry and flaking, and the sheet feels crunchy under him.  
  
Zack mentions the paint and how Tyler's not wearing it for the first time in months, and Tyler stays hidden under the blankets, feeling stupid for having forgotten it.  
  
\--  
  
Three am, Tyler can hear Zack snoring, Blurry's been silent since before the cuts, and Tyler's glad.  
  
Tyler picks up his phone, finally ready to read Josh's text.  
  
He reads the message a few times, trying to process. At least Josh hadn't mentioned Blurryface. For that Tyler is thankful.  
  
Despite the time, Tyler begins typing.  
  
 _May 29th 3:07 am - It's not your fault, you didn't know that it would upset me so much. I know I shouldn't be texting you back so late, you have a job, and while you were yesterday, I don't know about today. But I have to do this now, while it's quiet or I'll lose my nerve and would've left your message unread. You felt that tingle too? That's impossible, you aren't my soulmate, I know who is, he tells me every day. It can't be you, because if it's you then he's my enemy, and I can't be my own enemy. You know I haven't spoken to anyone in months, not out loud, no text messages, no hand written notes, nothing; complete silence. Until you decided to come back and talk to me. And then you say something that I think is wrong, and I shut you out again, and that's not right, I shouldn't do that. So maybe I don't forgive you, but only because it's not your fault. I want nothing more than to talk to you again, to let you know me and to get to know you. But I don't know if he'll let me, if I can. His voice is so loud, and your's is so nice. I don't have a voice. We could start again, just remember my name, and never mention his. I don't ever want to hear his name come from you. Hopefully this message doesn't wake you up, and you don't lose sleep before work.  
  
_ Tyler stops abruptly, not sure what he's even saying anymore, he almost deletes the whole thing, but something makes him press send.  
  
He sets the phone down, and carefully get's out of bed, as silently as he can. He creeps towards the door, he needs to get the blood off of his skin, he needs to take a shower. He hopes the sound doesn't wake anyone up.  
  
\--  
  
His alarm goes off at six thirty, he rubs the sleep from his eyes and snorts two pills. Takes a shower, get's dressed for work, snorts another pill before leaving the house, one more pill in his car before going into work. His nose feels like it's on fire, he doesn't let it bother him. When he punches in he's seven minutes late, and he doesn't even care.  
  
During his lunch hour he heads to Brendon's, he needs to re-up. And maybe having Brendon's cock in his mouth will make him feel a little better.  
  
He snorts three more pills at Brendon's place. He lets Brendon fuck his throat, and when he gets back to work his voice is hoarse and his manager asks if he's getting sick, he shrugs.  
  
\--  
  
He's not really sure why he doesn't go straight home after work, he instead heads to the shop he'd gotten his tattoo at and decides to get his nose pierced. He doesn't feel a thing, his nose is numb from the pill he snorted before going in. And if the piercer notices the residue inside his nostril, he doesn't say anything.  
  
When he gets home his mom asks him what the hell he was thinking doing that to himself, he shrugs and goes up to his room, locks the door and snorts another pill.  
  
\--  
  
It's one am when Josh finally notices the text message he'd gotten almost twenty four hours prior.  
  
He reads Tyler's message at least a dozen times,  **"if it's you then he's my enemy, and I can't be my own enemy."** what the fuck was that supposed to mean? Who the fuck is Blurryface?  
  
Josh does the only thing he can think of, dials Tyler's number and hopes that he picks up.  
  
\--  
  
Tyler couldn't sleep, his mind was racing and Blurry was yelling, he couldn't stop thinking about the text he'd sent to Josh so many hours ago. Blurry was yelling at him, calling him names and laughing. Zack was snoring again, it had become a sort of white noise for Tyler.  
  
The generic ringtone makes him jump, he answers it, hoping it hasn't woken up Zack. He doesn't say anything, and neither does the caller, not right away at least. Tyler can hear the other person breathing, waiting for him to say something.  
  
\--  
  
"Tyler?" He can hear Tyler breathing, it's soft but fast.  
  
Silence.  
  
"I know you said you didn't want to talk in person. But this isn't in person, so maybe it'll be okay, I hope." He pauses, "I know you said not to say that name, not to even mention him, but Tyler, I have to know who he is. I have to know what you meant when you said that you can't be your own enemy."  
  
Silence still.  
  
"Tyler, please just talk to me."  
  
"I can't." It's barely a whisper, but Josh hears it.  
  
"You can, I know you can. You've done it before. You'll be okay if you talk to me Tyler. I promise."  
  
Silence again.  
  
"Are you okay at least Tyler? I'm worried."  
  
He's about to speak again when he hears, "No." the word is mumbled, Josh wishes he was with Tyler, he wants to wrap his arms around Tyler and tell him that he will be okay, that Josh'll protect him.  
  
"Tyler, it's going to be okay, I promise. I'll protect you from whatever he tries to do to you."  
  
\--  
  
After answering his phone, he crept out of the room as quick as he could, he doesn't want to wake anyone up. He's standing in the middle of his backyard, and he's talking to Josh. He's only said a few words, but actually talking again feels so good that he wishes he could do it more, but Blurry screaming at him, telling him to shut up. Telling him to hang up on Josh.  
  
"Tyler, it's going to be okay, I promise. I'll protect you from whatever he tries to do to you."  
  
 _ **"Don't listen to him Ty. He can't protect you from anything. You know that Ty. Listen to me not him, hang up the phone."  
  
**_ Tyler's shaking his head, over and over and over. He can't seem to stop, he starts to feel dizzy.  
  
"You can't protect me from myself."  
  
\--  
  
"Where are you now Tyler? Are you at home?" Josh is so fucking worried, Tyler just said that Josh can't protect him from himself, and Josh thinks something bad is going to happen, that Tyler's going to hurt himself.  
  
"Backyard, but's it's okay, he's with me. I'll be okay." Tyler doesn't sound right, and Josh doesn't' even think as he get's up, pulls a shirt over his head, grabs his keys and heads out to his car.  
  
\--  
  
He's not hanging up on Josh, Blurry isn't going to win that one. But Tyler knows it's not that easy, he doesn't want to go back into the house yet, he hears Josh's car start, he wonder's why.  
  
Josh is talking again, but Tyler's not listening, he's walking toward the shed, he knows there's something in there he can use to make Blurryface go away.  
  
\--  
  
Tyler is silent again, but Josh can still hear him breathing, he's driving much faster than he should be, he can here what sounds like things being knocked over and moved around.  
  
"Tyler, c'mon you've gotta talk to me, what's happening?"  
  
\--  
  
He finds what he was looking for, it's old and a little rusty, but it'll work. He holds his cell phone up to his ear with his shoulder, he pulls his sweat pants down, just enough that he can see the skin of his thighs, the right is still red and inflamed. The left isn't looking much better, but he drags the edge of the pruning shears across his skin. And Blurry pauses for a moment, then laughs.  
  
 __ **"That's all you've got Ty? You think that's enough to make me go away?"**  
  
Tyler pulls the sweat pants back up, not caring about the blood that will be smeared across his skin as it stains the cotton of his pants.  
  
He hasn't cut on his arms in so long, but he remembers how it feels. He makes three cuts on his right arm and four on the left. And then the pruning shears are being pulled out of his grasp. He's been caught again, and he starts to cry. They're really going to think he's crazy this time.  
  
\--  
  
Josh doesn't stop talking to Tyler, but all he's getting back is the sound of Tyler's rapid breathing.  
  
He get's to Tyler's house, turns the car off, slams the door and takes off behind Tyler's house. He doesn't see him anywhere, he briefly hopes he hasn't gone back into the house. He'd hung up the phone and tossed it on the passenger seat, so he can't hear Tyler anymore. He sees movement from inside the shed across the yard. He runs, and is greeting by the sight of Tyler with pruning shears in his hand, and blood dripping off of his arms, the cuts don't look very deep, but the blood makes him worry.  
  
He pulls them out of Tyler's hands, and before he can say anything Tyler starts crying.  
  
He crouches on the ground behind Tyler and wraps his arms around him, "It's okay Tyler, I'm here."  
  
\--  
  
It's not Zack and it's not his mother, it's Josh, and Tyler cries harder.  
  
He doesn't want Josh to see him doing this, but more than anything, he doesn't want Josh to see his wrists. He tires to hide them, but Josh wants to see the cuts, make sure they don't need stitches, and Tyler tries to pull his hand out of Josh's, but he's not strong enough, and he knows Josh can see it, can see that Tyler Joseph is there, and he wishes he'd have cut deeper, made himself bleed out, because then he wouldn't have to hear the gasp that comes from Josh.  
  
\--  
  
"Let me see them Tyler. I have to make sure you don't need stitches, if you do I'll take you, we don't even have to wake up your family, not now." Tyler's struggling against him, but Josh has to do this, he has to make sure that Tyler isn't going to bleed out in his arms.  
  
Despite the situation Josh smiles when he sees his name on Tyler's left wrist, the cuts aren't bad, definitely don't need stitches. Josh takes Tyler's right hand into his, and tries to turn it over so he can see the skin of his forearm, but Tyler is trying to pull away, and Josh doesn't want to hurt him, he almost let's Tyler pull his arm against his chest, but he needs to make sure Tyler is okay, so he holds a little bit tighter.  
  
He almost doesn't want to look, not because of the cuts or the blood, but because he doesn't want to see the name on Tyler's wrist, he doesn't want to know the name of the person, Blurryface, that's been causing Tyler so much pain. The thought makes him so angry, that he doesn't want to know that name so that he doesn't end up going off and finding this person and beating them to death for hurting Tyler.  
  
Josh forgets about the cuts though, once he turns Tyler's arm over. He can't help the small gasp that escapes his lips, the name on Tyler's wrist isn't someone else, it's Tyler himself, and Josh can't even comprehend that.


	8. Walking across a fragile line (they think I'm insane)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While I wrote at least the first half of this I had Always by Panic! At The Disco on repeat so yeah. And then I turned on the entire Vices & Virtues album for a bit, if you were wondering. I also listened to Drug Dealer by Macklemore a couple dozen times. And a lot of Halsey.  
> Also quickly want to apologize for the fact that, at least in my opinion, some of the things that are happening and might happen seem to not go along with with the way things have been going/how they've been acting and whatever.  
> Also sorry for ending this chapter where I did, I literally was falling asleep trying to type it up.

Tyler yanked his arm away so fast that Josh almost wondered if he'd imagined it, but if that was the case why had Tyler pulled away? But it didn't make sense, how could Tyler have his own name on his wrist? How was that possible? Josh thought momentarily about his own wrists, about how Tyler's name was on both, visible or not. He wanted to tell Tyler, but now wasn't the right time. Tyler was still crying and bleeding.  
  
"Tyler, I know you don't want to wake anyone up, but we need to get you cleaned up, can I come in and help you?" Josh is sort of running on autopilot. Something he'd learned to do perfectly, months ago.  
  
"Leave me alone Josh. I'll handle it myself, it's not like I haven't before." Tyler's trying to stand up, faster than he should be, he looks dizzy.  
  
"Please Tyler, let me at least help you to the door. Then I'll leave."  
  
Tyler shakes his head and mumbles something, Josh can't hear him no matter how hard he tries.  
  
"Please just let me help, then I'll go home and you can just text me when you're ready, again." He tries again, he wants to help Tyler, but his thoughts are getting jumbled up, he's confused at what he just saw and how it's possible, and why Tyler's hurting himself and Josh really needs to focus, but he can't. Not here, not now. He needs to get home, back to the safety of his own bedroom, with the door locked and a bottle of pills.  
  
Tyler's already half way across the yard before Josh notices, he goes after him, stumbling.  
  
"Tyler, please. I just want to help you." And Josh knows that such a cliché thing to say, but it's true. But he's not ever sure how to do that, how to help Tyler when he can't think, can't process things properly.  
  
Tyler mumbles again and this time Josh catches the words, "Away," and "Later," but nothing else, nothing. He's more confused than before.  
  
"I'll text you when I get home, text me back please, Tyler. Please." Tyler's not going to let him help, not now. And as much as Josh wants to, he doesn't think he can right now.  
  
Tyler shrugs and starts walking again.  
  
Josh sighs and heads to his car, and maybe he drives too fast back to his house, and maybe he doesn't care that he slams the front door when he goes in, and maybe he forgets his phone on the passenger seat, and maybe he snorts three pills and passes out, blood streaked across his cheek.  
  
\--  
  
He's still crying, and he's embarrassed that Josh saw him like that, and that Josh  **saw**. He doesn't bother to clean up his arms, or thigh, he climbs into bed, not caring about getting blood on anything, he just wants to sleep for the rest of forever. He hides under the blankets, his cell phone clutched in his hand, waiting for the text that Josh had promised, but it never comes, and Tyler's pillow is getting too wet, his eyes slide closed and his breathing evens out, and in his dreams all he can see is Blurryface.  
  
\--  
  
Josh's alarm goes off at six thirty, he doesn't want to get out of bed, but he has to go to work. He snorts two pills and heads to the bathroom to take a shower without ever realizing he's doing it. Autopilot fully engaged now.  
  
\--  
  
Lunch hour he heads to Brendon's like every other day. He lets Brendon fuck him, he snorts two more pills and get's ready to go back to work.  
  
"Bren, can I ask you something before I go?"  
  
Brendon's eyes are glossy, and Josh isn't quite sure if it's from the weed he'd just smoked or the orgasm he'd just had. "Go for it."  
  
"Hypa, hyper, hypat, fuck it. What if someone had their own name on their wrists, what the fuck would that mean?"  
  
Brendon's eyebrow quirks up, "That why you got the tattoo Joshy? Trying to hide your own name." Brendon laughs, but Josh doesn't think it's funny.  
  
"No, fuck. This isn't something real, it's made up, it's a what if question."  
  
Brendon laughs again, "If you say so man." He pauses to laugh again. "I don't know, that's not something I've ever heard of happening, it's insane to even think about."  
  
Josh wonders if it's so hard for Brendon because he's so high, but then Josh remember's he's just as high and blissed out from cumming that he's not ever sure what he's doing.  
  
"I mean like, can you be your own soulmate?" Josh's head is starting to hurt.  
  
"Enemy, maybe. Soulmate, no fucking way." Brendon sounds so sure that Josh believes him.  
  
"How though? I mean I guess I understand like self-destructive shit and like hurting yourself. But I don't, I don't get it." Josh isn't making any sense, but none of it makes sense, so he keeps rambling, "I mean like, why would you want to do that shit to yourself? Why hate yourself?"  
  
"It's just something that happens Joshy. It's a mental health thing." Suddenly Brendon doesn't sound high anymore, and there's a voice in the back of Josh's head telling him that Brendon has struggled with that in the past, and he knows that Brendon has ADHD and that's where a lot of the Adderall Josh get's is from, because Brendon doesn't take it regularly, he doesn't like the way it makes him feel.  
  
"But why would Tyler feel like that? What makes that happen?"  
  
Brendon seems to ignore the fact that Josh has just mentioned Tyler, for the first time ever, Brendon's never asked if Josh knew him, but now he knows. "Just go back to work Joshy. You're already late."  
  
Josh tries to protest, he wants to keep talking, but Brendon is pulling him up off of the couch, and dragging him towards the door. "Go Josh." This time his tone is forceful, almost like he's angry, and Josh is more confused.  
  
\--  
  
When Josh punches back in it's almost two-o-clock. He's definitely late, and he knows he's going to get in trouble, but his thoughts are still racing, all he can think about is why, and how.  
  
"Where were you? With your boyfriend?"  
  
Josh almost ignores him but knows that's not a good idea. "He's not my boyfriend, not my soulmate, just a friend. But yea I was with him, and I lost track of time. I'm sorry."  
  
His manager still looks pissed, "One more time, and you're done. I don't want to do it, but I can't have you gone for however long you want to be."  
  
"Just go do what you do best, and play some drums and help some customers."  
  
Josh nods and walks towards the drums on the other side of the store.  
  
\--  
  
His arms hurt like a bitch when he wakes up. For a second he can't remember why, then it all comes rushing back, and he wants to cry again. Blurryface starts taunting him. And he wishes he was still asleep.  
  
He checks his phone, it's a little after noon, Zack should be gone by then. Tyler should be alone in their room. He peeks from under the cover of his blankets and sees that his assumption is correct. He cautiously gets up, expecting someone to come in and see the dried blood on his skin.  
  
He goes to the door, and listens outside of it, trying to determine if anyone is in the hall.  
  
Silence.  
  
Tyler opens the door a crack and looks out to see if the bathroom door is opened or closed.  
  
Opened.  
  
He pulls the door open and makes a run for the bathroom. Tyler tries not to slam it, locks it, strips and gets into the shower.  
  
The water makes the cuts sting again. But he likes it, the pain makes Blurry shut up.  
  
When Tyler gets out of the shower he realizes he forgot to grab clothes, he has to make a run for it with only a towel. He repeats what he did to exit his room, listening and then checking to see if anyone was in the hall.  
  
He runs into his room, trying to hold his towel up. This time he does slam the door unintentionally.  
  
He gets dressed in sweat pants and a long sleeve t-shirt. It's like ninety degrees but he has to hide the marks on his arms.  
  
He checks his phone, hoping that maybe there would be a text from Josh. He wants to talk to him, but he's afraid of what Josh will say about his wrists.  
  
No new messages; Tyler has to resist the urge to throw his phone at the wall.  
  
\--  
  
When Josh gets home, his mom is waiting for him.  
  
"Honey, come here, I want to talk to you."  
  
Josh has to stop himself from sighing, he needs a fix, he doesn't want to talk right now.  
  
"I'm tired, can't it wait until later?" He hopes she'll accept the stupid, I'm tired excuse.  
  
"No. It's important Josh." He nods and walks over to sit next to her on the couch.  
  
She doesn't give him a chance to say anything, "Joshua, I know you are an adult now, but you still live here, and you coming in the house and slamming the door in the middle of the night is completely unacceptable."  
  
"My friend needed help, I'm sorry I slammed the door, I didn't mean to." He's talking fast, he  **needs** the conversation to be over.  
  
"Which friend? Brendon?"  
  
"No, a different one. I knew him in school, we haven't talked for a while, but he needed help mom."  
  
She nods, "Honey, the last time you were going out in the middle of the night, and coming home at all different hours, you were taking pills Josh." She pauses, not long enough for Josh to respond, "Are you taking them again?"  
  
Josh shakes his head, "I'm not." and it's not really a lie, he's not taking the same pills as before, and he's not taking them the same way. Technicalities. Loopholes. White lies.  
  
"Do you want to tell me what happened with your friend?"  
  
He shakes his head, "It's not mine to tell about. But mom, can I ask you something?"  
  
He's not sure why he's going to ask her about Tyler's wrists, but the words are already coming out of his mouth and he can't stop them, "Is it possible for someone to have their own name on their wrist?"  
  
She doesn't say anything for a long time, and Josh feels stupid for asking.  
  
"I've never heard of it happening honey, but I suppose it could. Is that why you covered one of your names?"  
  
"It's not. There's a reason for it, but it's not that." He wants to tell her the reason.  
  
"I think if you have your own name on your wrists, it's because you're hurting yourself, not necessarily physically, but mentally. And that is preventing you from having someone else's name. I don't mean that once you stop that a new name will show up, I think that your own name takes place of your enemy."  
  
Josh nods.  
  
"Can I ask who has their own name on their wrist, if it's not you?"  
  
Josh bites his lip, wanting so badly to say Tyler's name.  
  
"I have the same name on both of my wrists." Josh can feel the tears welling up in his eyes.  
  
"You what?" She looks so confused.  
  
"Both say Tyler Joseph."  
  
"You know what that means then?"  
  
"No mom, I don't."  
  
She takes his hand into hers, turning it, so she can read Tyler's name on his wrists. "It means that this boy is your soulmate and your enemy honey," Josh wants to interrupt her, tell her that that is obvious but he waits, "It means that something he is doing, or will do is going to cause you a lot of pain, and you have to figure out how to get through it, and how to help his get through it."  
  
That makes sense, he's already hurting because he's just found out that Tyler is hurting himself. That Tyler has his own name on his wrist. He's hurting for Tyler, and because of Tyler.  
  
"Momma," Josh hasn't called her that since he was little, but he's feeling vulnerable and not thinking clearly, "he has his own name on his wrist, and I don't know how to help him."  
  
"Is that who you were with last night?"  
  
Josh nods.  
  
"Is he hurting himself Joshua?"  
  
His nostrils flare, tears start to fall, and Josh wants nothing more than to be in his room snorting as many pills as he can before both sides of his nose are raw and bleeding.  
  
Josh doesn't even realize that he's biting his lip until he can taste the blood.  
  
"You can't give up Joshua. You need to help him, not just for him, but for you. He is your soulmate Josh. You can't abandon him and you can't let him abandon you."  
  
Josh nods and sniffles, "Can I go now? I want to be alone, process all of this and try to make figure things out."  
  
She pulls him into a tight hug, "Of course baby."  
  
He locks the door, snorts six pills, more than he's ever done at once, feels the blood dripping and wants to pass out but he can't. He  **needs** to text Tyler first, apologize and explain.  
  
_May 31st 7:58 pm - Tyler we need to talk. There's something that I need to tell you. Actually there is a lot. Tyler, please. Just can we meet somewhere and talk?_  
  
He hopes Tyler agrees.  
  
_May 31st 8:07 pm - There are things I need to tell you too. I don't know where we could go to talk, but you are right, we do need to do it in person._  
  
Josh hadn't actually expected Tyler to agree.  
  
_May 31st 8:09 pm - It's lame, but I could just pick you up and we could go down by the river. We don't even have to get out of the car if you don't want. I just used to go down their with my grandpa when I was little, and it's calming._  
  
_May 31st 8:12 pm - Ten minutes?_  
  
_May 31st 8:15 pm - Make it fifteen, okay? I've gotta change, still in my work clothes._  
  
He has to get the blood and tear stains off of his face.  
  
_May 31st 8:17 pm - Okay, I'll be waiting outside._  
  
Josh runs to the bathroom, grabs a washrag and wipes his face. He runs a wet hand through his hair, and brushes his teeth.  
  
He changes into basketball shorts and a tank top, it's too fucking hot outside to stay in his jeans.  
  
He grabs his phone and keys and heads for the door.  
  
"Leaving Josh?"  
  
"Going to talk to Tyler. Try to make things better."  
  
"Be careful and take your time Joshua. Don't push him, or yourself."  
  
Josh nods, "I'll be home later."


	9. Spilling like an overflowing kitchen sink (I don't have to fucking tell you anything)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So much Halsey was listened to while working on this. I'm a little embarrassed about that.  
> Also I apologize this took me so long to get up, I planned on finishing it Halloween night, but things happened and then ridiculously early morning shifts at work happened and then a sick child happened.

Tyler is sitting in the grass waiting when Josh pulls up. Tyler stands, wipes the back of his pants off and walks towards the car. He gets in the passenger seat, and doesn't say a word.  
  
Josh can't help but stare for a moment, it's a million degrees and Tyler is wearing sweats and a long sleeve t-shirt, and once again has black paint smeared on his skin.  
  
"Hi, Tyler."  
  
Still Tyler says nothing, but he looks at Josh briefly.  
  
Josh doesn't try to say anything else, pulls away from the curb and heads towards the spot he used to go with his grandpa.  
  
Josh can literally feel the tension and awkwardness in the air.  
  
It only takes a few minutes before Josh is pulling over again, through the windshield he can see the river, it looks so peaceful.  
  
He's not sure if he should start the conversation, of if he should wait and let Tyler.  
  
For a moment he wishes he had brought a couple pills with him, it's not that the six from earlier aren't still affecting him, they definitely are, but he thinks that more will help him calm down more and focus better and help him figure out what to say, and how to not fuck up again.  
  
\--  
  
They're still in the car, but Tyler wants to get out, even though he likes being so close to Josh. They get out and sit in the grass, still silent.  
  
He wants to talk, he'd agreed to this, Josh hadn't forced him, but Tyler can't decide what to say first. So instead of speaking his picks at the fraying hem of his shirt.  
  
He's surprised that Blurryface is staying silent.  
  
\--  
  
"I should probably say something, right?" It's rhetorical, Josh doesn't expect Tyler to answer.  
  
"Maybe I should." Tyler's voice is rough and quiet.  
  
"I mean, I've got things I need to tell you, but go ahead Tyler."  
  
"Obviously I've got my own name on my wrist, and I'm still not really sure how that's possible, but it has to be because we can both see it."  
  
Josh nods, but doesn't speak up, doesn't want to interrupt Tyler, he's waited too long to hear Tyler speak.  
  
"For a long time I believed that it meant that I was supposed to be alone, that all you could ever be was my enemy. Some days I still believe that. Blurryface tells me over and over that it'll always be just me and him, that terrifies me. Blurry isn't a nice guy, but he's all I've ever had." Josh watches Tyler as he speaks, Tyler pauses to shake his head rapidly three or four times before he begins talking again, "He's not going anywhere, he'll always be here. But I think if you're around, maybe he'll be quiet and," Tyler pauses again, shaking his head again.  
  
"Shut up." The words are whispered and Josh momentarily thinks Tyler is talking to him, but he hasn't said anything, and then he realizes that Blurryface must be saying something.  
  
"He doesn't want this happening, he's screaming at me and I can't make him stop. Sometimes I don't want him to stop, sometimes I deserve it." Josh wants to say something, wants to tell Tyler to stop saying things like that, he can't say anything though, because maybe it's his fault that Tyler is having those thoughts.  
  
Josh misses a small bit of what Tyler says, and he wants to punch himself for it. "you don't know half of what I've done to myself trying to get him to go away. He'll go for a little while, sometimes a few hours, but he always comes back and everytime I try not to but I feel relieved that he comes back." Josh sees the tears in Tyler's eyes and wants to wrap his arms around Tyler but he's unsure of how Tyler will act. He doesn't want Tyler to stop talking, he never wants Tyler to stop.  
  
"You know when my mom saw my wrists she cried, and at the time I thought it was just because you were a boy. But I now know it wasn't. As much as it goes against her religious views, it wasn't you. I think she knew what would happen to me. She knew what Blurryface would do to me. No one tried to help me. My father hasn't spoken to me since Thanksgiving when he told me I wasn't welcome to join them. And I thought it was because I wasn't talking to anyone, I told myself it was because they didn't want me bringing down their moods, but it was more than that. Blurry helped me understand that, they didn't want a freak like me at their nice holiday table. I get it, I really do. Why would anyone want anything to do with me?" Tyler's rambling but Josh listens.  
  
"No one even wished me a happy birthday last year. When I was little I had big parties with cake and ice cream, presents and friends. Last year all I got was ignored, by everyone but Blurry. He didn't wish me a happy birthday, but he at least spoke to me. And when I made the four new cuts, he didn't even leave. He stayed with me. Telling me how messed up I was, and how much of a coward I was because I couldn't go through with it, I couldn't make him stop. But I didn't want him to stop, because at least he was there, he didn't abandon me." Tyler's fingers are in his hair tugging as he speaks, tears just starting to drip from the corners of his eyes.  
  
"But you came back, and I wanted to talk to you, but I couldn't he wouldn't let me. He told me that you were just trying to use me. He's still saying that. Still taunting me and accusing you." Tyler stops abruptly, fingers still pulling on his hair and tears steadily coming now.  
  
Josh isn't trying to fuck this up again, he wants to tell Tyler that everything will be okay, he's not using him and he that he wants to help Tyler with Blurryface, but he doesn't want to upset Tyler.  
  
Fighting his instincts he speaks instead of touching, "I started taking Xanax because I wanted to forget you. At least for a while. Not forever, never forever, you are my soulmate Tyler. I don't care what Blurryface says, we're meant to be and he can fuck off. I took the pills to forget and for a while they worked but then it got to be too much, I was taking too many and my family found out. Had a Thanksgiving intervention, I went to rehab and withdrawal was hell but I pushed through, and as the days went on I started to think about you again, and it hurt; God damn did it hurt Tyler. But I kept going because I knew I had to make things right. I got out and wanted to come find you, but there was one thing holding me back. So I waited, I saved up the money and I got this tattoo," Josh hold his arm out, showing Tyler the tattoo covering his wrist. "I covered the name on here because it said your name. I thought I needed to hide it, I thought you'd think I was a freak for having your name on both wrists." Josh shows Tyler his other wrist and that's the first time he's willingly shown anyone his wrists.  
  
Tyler releases his hair from one hand and touches his name on Josh's skin, "This is real?" his voice is soft and the tears haven't stopped nor has the hair pulling and Josh's heart aches for Tyler but quickens at his touch.  
  
"Absolutely. I was so scared Tyler. I thought that somehow if you knew that your name was on both of my wrists then that would somehow turn you into my enemy. I thought that it would break you in a way that I couldn't fix."  
  
Josh doesn't expect Tyler to release his hair completely and wrap his arms around Josh, his face against Josh's chest. He sits still for less than a second it seems before he joins Tyler in the embrace.  
  
\--  
  
They stay like that for what seems like an eternity, the silence is almost peaceful; nothing lasts forever.  
  
Josh's thoughts are starting to get jumbled and his head is getting fuzzy. The pills wearing off, Josh wonders how long it's been exactly since he took them, but he doesn't dare move to check his phone to see the time.  
  
\--  
  
Tyler can't believe he's hugging Josh, he can't believe that he's talking after so long. Everything feels surreal. Blurry is still taunting, but his voice seems quieter, more distant.  
  
Josh is starting to fidget a little, and Tyler wonders if it's because he doesn't want to be touching Tyler anymore or if it's something else.  
  
He lifts his head to look at Josh, "You can let go if I'm bothering you." Josh isn't looking at him, not really his eyes are darting back and forth and he looks out of it.  
  
Tyler lets go of Josh, but Josh's arms are still around him, he can't really move very far.  
  
"Are you okay Josh? You don't look like you're here anymore."  
  
Josh doesn't speak, not exactly. The words are mumbled and whispered, "Need a pill, then I'll be fine." Tyler doesn't think that Josh meant for him to hear that. But what pills is Josh talking about? He'd just told him how he went to rehab, stopped taking the pills.  
  
"What pills Josh?" Josh is looking at him now, still not really focused but more than before.  
  
"Pills? What pills? Tyler what are you talking about? That's not what we're here for." His words are fast and Tyler almost misses a few.  
  
"You're talking about the Xanax right Josh? You just told me you quit taking them."  
  
"No, no. That's not the point, we still need to talk. Lots to say." Josh's words are getting faster and harder to understand.  
  
"Fine you won't tell me, I get it, you don't have to. There's a lot I still haven't told you." Tyler's brain is turning trying to figure out what's happened to Josh suddenly,  _ **"He was obviously all nice and high when this started but that's worn off by now**_ "  
  
"No, I'll tell you, just not now, okay? I'm sorry, I'm just getting distracted." Josh is trying to sound reassuring, but it's not working; Blurry won't shut up, won't stop laughing that Josh only wants to talk to him when he's high, it hurts.  
  
\--  
  
He's fucking it up again, he knows he is but he can't just stop it. He wants to tell Tyler, but telling Tyler is admitting that he's addicted again, and he's  **not**.  
  
"I just can't tell you right now. But Tyler, don't think I'm not telling you because I don't trust you because I do trust you Tyler, I really do. This is something that I can't even say to myself. I'm sorry."  
  
Tyler is silent for a minute and Josh worries that he really fucked up, that Tyler isn't going to talk to him again, "You don't have to tell me Josh, you really don't. I wish you would though, it'll be okay."  
  
It's like when they were in school again, Josh wants to talk, wants to tell Tyler, but he can't. "I can't Tyler. I can't. I've gone through this already, I can't do it again." He can't, Josh doesn't want to go through the hell that is detox and withdrawal. He doesn't want everyone to look at him like he's done something wrong, and they're disappointed in him, he  **knows** they are, he doesn't need to see it on their faces everytime he looks at them. He doesn't want to lose Brendon again either, Brendon has been his only real friend in so long. He missed Brendon everyday when he was in rehab, and he kept telling himself that it was because Brendon was his dealer, he was missing him because he wanted the drugs Brendon had; it was more than that though, it was the friendship, the human contact with someone other than his family that he missed.  
  
"Can I show you something?" Tyler's voice is soothing  _almost_ and Josh wants him to never stop talking.  
  
Josh nods, and Tyler stands up, and begins to pull his sweat pants down, and Josh is confused, "Whoa Tyler, moving a little fast." The words come out before he even knows he's saying them.  
  
"Just look Josh." Tyler's pants are at his knees now, and Tyler's pulling the fabric of his boxer briefs up. Josh can't believe what he's seeing, but it's right there and he should've known, he should've known that Blurryface was hurting Tyler, and he should've been there to stop this, he should've been there to help Tyler.  
  
Josh is crying, he can feel the tears on his cheeks and he can't look at Tyler. He stares at the marks all over Tyler's thighs. He can see the silvery lines of old scars and the scabbed over marks. Some are still red and inflamed, and some look like they were bleeding again recently. Josh can't stop himself, he's reaching up with his fingers, running them across the marks, in the back of his mind he knows it probably hurts Tyler, but he can't stop.  
  
"I'm sorry. I should've been with you, I should've helped you."  
  
Tyler is silent and doesn't stop Josh from touching. Josh looks up at Tyler, tears still streaming down his face, "I've been snorting Adderall." Tyler's expression had been neutral until Josh spoke, his face falls and Josh instantly regrets saying anything.  
  
"When you came to my house?"  
  
"No Tyler. I wasn't, I hadn't, not yet."  
  
"When?"  
  
"I don't know Tyler, like two weeks later maybe. I was waiting for you to text me, and I just needed something."  
  
"You started snorting Adderall because of me?" Tyler's crying now too, not sobbing the way Josh is.  
  
"No, yes, I don't know. Tyler it's not your fault. It's mine, I'm an idiot. I did this to myself. But fuck Tyler, what's happened to you is so much worse, I shouldn't have been such an asshole to you. If I hadn't been, none of this, " he's touching Tyler's thigh again, "would have happened. I'm so fucking sorry Tyler."  
  
"It's not your fault either, not what you've done or what's happened to me. Josh I did this to myself because I was listening to the asshole in my head, and maybe things would've been different if I hadn't reacted the way I did when I saw you with him, but it's done, it's over. You said it yourself, what happened before doesn't matter. We can start again Josh."  
  
Him? Him, who? Who did Tyler see him with? When?  
  
He's sniffling and trying to control his breathing, "Who Tyler? What happened?"  
  
Tyler's starting shake, "That guy, I don't know who he is, but I saw him and I saw you, and Blurryface had plenty to say. I shouldn't have listened to him I know that. But what he was saying made sense."  
  
"I still don't understand Tyler, who?" Then it hits Josh, he knows exactly who Tyler is talking about.  
  
"Brendon? Kinda tall, dark hair?" Tyler nods but doesn't speak. "When? You followed me, didn't you? I felt like I was being followed but I didn't see anyone, I didn't realize."  
  
"He didn't have shirt on, and he hugged you and Blurry wouldn't stop. It just proved that Blurryface was my soulmate and you were my enemy, because that guy, that Brendon was your soulmate."  
  
"Tyler, no. Brendon's names aren't even showing, he's never told me who they are, I know he can see them. But Tyler, you're the one who's name is on both of my wrists, Brendon is a friend. He's also my dealer, but that doesn't matter. He's just someone I've known forever."  
  
"Why did you follow me that day Tyler?"  
  
"I just wanted to talk to you. You were ignoring me, didn't want anything to do with me. I had to try, I had to do something."  
  
Josh pulls Tyler down, onto him. Wraps his arms around Tyler, "I'm sorry."  
  
Tyler's face is against his neck, and Josh feels more than hears him say, "I'm sorry too. Let me help you."  
  
"I'll protect you from him. I promise. I won't let him hurt you anymore. You've got me Tyler. Always."  
  
And then Tyler's lips are being pressed against his, he didn't even feel Tyler move and he's not sure how to react. He pulls away, "Tyler are yo," Tyler's kissing him again and he's kissing back, and he can feel the tingling again, and his thoughts aren't so jumbled anymore. Maybe Tyler's the drug he needed all along.


	10. I was not the problem like you were not the cause

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck-tons of To Kill A King were listened to while writing this.  
> Also not really sure if I need to add a warning for this, but like there will be a sex scene, that's kinda graphic. So like I guess if you don't like that kind of thing here's your warning, I'm sorry, it was something I deemed necessary.  
> A small little bitty part will be from a different person's POV, I was going to write a separate thing for it, but it's so short that like I didn't feel like it was needed.

The kiss was over as quickly as it had began, Blurry was silent and Tyler's heart was pounding. They don't move for what seems like an eternity, and Tyler's content to just stay in Josh's arms, listening to him breathing. But the realization that his pants are still around his knees and Josh is still shaking are hitting him all at once. He pushes Josh away gently and pulls his pants up.  
  
"You gonna be okay?" Tyler's never done drugs, never needed another hit; he has no idea how Josh is feeling right now.  
  
Josh is shaking and he looks out of it again, but he's got a goofy grin and Tyler wants to kiss him again.  
  
"I think I should probably go home now. I don't want to leave you, but I need to go." Tyler doesn't want him to go, he wants to help him, stop him.  
  
"Are you sure that's a good idea Josh? I want to help you. You don't need that stuff Josh."  
  
"I do though. I need it so bad. My head's not all jumbled up again, but Tyler, I still need it."  
  
"You don't."  
  
"I do though Tyler, you've never gone through withdrawal, it's fucking hell Tyler. Everything hurts, you get sick and you want to die. I can't do that again Tyler. I can't." Josh's still shaking and his eyes are glossy and he's not even looking at Tyler.  
  
"I know I haven't gone through it myself Josh. I can't even begin to imagine how hard it is, but I want to help Josh. Please." Tyler's not sure why he's so confident or why Blurryface is still so silent.  
  
"How can you help me when you've got a voice in your head that makes you cut yourself? How are you going to help me when you can't fucking help yourself Tyler?" Josh is yelling now, and it hurts. It hurts Tyler so bad.  
  
"Yeah, no, you're right Josh. I can't help myself, Blurryface is in my head all the time. I can't do anything about him, and yeah I cut myself and he shuts up, it's not for very long, but since I kissed you he hasn't said a word. But I get it, I can't help you because I can't help myself." Tyler pauses, "How the hell would you know though, if you won't let me try?"  
  
"I'm gonna drive you home now Tyler. Then I'm going home, text me if you want or don't. I don't fucking care right now." Josh is walking toward his car, still shaky and Tyler really doesn't want him going anywhere but, Blurry is back and Tyler just wants him to shut up.  
  
\--  
  
"Either get it the fuck car, or you can walk. I need to leave Tyler." His thoughts aren't all mixed up but he's agitated. He needs another pill or four and then maybe he'll be calm enough to apologize to Tyler, right now he just wants to go home.  
  
Tyler walks toward the car as Josh is starting the engine.  
  
"Do you want me to drive Josh? I know you're upset."  
  
"No, I don't want you to fucking drive."  
  
Tyler gets in the car and Josh drives a little faster than he should be.  
  
"Josh, please slow down."  
  
"I'll drive however fast or slow I want to. It's my car." The faster he drives, the faster he can get Tyler home and the faster he can go home.  
  
Josh pulls the car over in front of Tyler's house, but Tyler doesn't move to get out.  
  
"Get out Tyler." Josh is getting more agitated by the second.  
  
Josh can see Tyler shaking his head out of the corner of his eye, "Please Tyler, get out."  
  
"I'm not letting you go and snort that shit Josh." Tyler's still shaking his head, and Josh wonders briefly if he's shaking it to say no or if there's more to it, like when he was talking earlier.  
  
"You're not going to stop me Tyler. Get the fuck out of my car!" Josh is yelling now.  
  
Tyler doesn't say anything this time, just continues to shake his head.  
  
"Now Tyler. Out!" Josh almost wants to push him out of the car.  
  
"Guess I can't stop huh? Then let me do it with you." This reverse psychology shit isn't going to work on Josh.  
  
"Fuck no. Just get the fuck out!"  
  
"No, let me do it with you. I want to. I want to know what it feels like. Maybe it'll help with Blurry."  
  
"No, I'm not going to let you fuck your life up the same way I am. No. Just go inside now Tyler."  
  
"I wanna know how you feel Josh. Let me feel like you." Tyler's voice is soft.  
  
"No Tyler. No." Josh can feel the tears on his cheeks but he's still angry, still  **needs** to go home.  
  
Tyler's wiping the tears off his cheeks, probably smearing black paint across Josh's face as it mixes with the liquid. "It's okay Josh. You don't need that stuff. Let me help Josh, please."  
  
Josh is sniffling, "No. I can't. Just let me go home Tyler. I'll come back tomorrow, and we can talk again, just please Tyler, let me go." he's not yelling anymore.  
  
"I don't want you to leave. Come in with me, stay. It'll be fine, let me help you. I'll even call you in sick to work tomorrow. It'll be okay Josh. Please."  
  
"I can't. I have to go home, and I have to go to work Tyler. I'm already on thin ice. Just let me go home, I'll come back after work tomorrow, I promise. Please Tyler, just go inside and let me leave."  
  
"Fine. Go home Josh. Don't bother coming back tomorrow though. You won't like what you find." Before Josh can say anything else Tyler is out of the car and running up to his front door.  
  
What the fuck does that mean? Won't like what he finds? What the fuck is Tyler planning on doing?  
  
Josh doesn't dwell, pulls away from the curb and heads home.  
  
He doesn't expect his mom to be waiting for him when he comes in the door, "How did it go honey?"  
  
"Fine. I'm really tired mom, I want to go bed now."  
  
"Come talk to me first. I want to know what happened."  
  
"We talked, he kissed me, I took him home. End of story. Goodnight." He runs up the stairs and slams and locks his door before she can say another word.  
  
He pulls out the bottle of pills, he's only got three left, they'll have to be enough, he'll have to make a trip to see Brendon in the morning.  
  
He snorts the pills, flops down onto his bed and tries not to think about what Tyler had said.  
  
\--  
  
_**"You know what to do Tyler. You told him what would happen and he just left. Do it Tyler. Do it for me. For us."**_ Tyler shakes his head, he doesn't want to do it, he wants Blurryface to shut up.  
  
"No, I won't do it. I shouldn't have said that to him. I won't." Tyler's aware he's talking out loud, if anyone hears him they'll think he's even crazier than before, but he doesn't care.  
  
_**"Do it Tyler. C'mon you know you want to. Do it. Do it. Do it now!"**_ Blurry is yelling and Tyler's shaking his head trying to make him go awake like a little kid with an etch-a-sketch.  
  
Tyler's pulling on his hair now, muttering "No, I won't do it. No." over and over he just wants Blurry to go away, but he doesn't  **want** to hurt himself. Not this time. Something is compelling him to not do it.  
  
That's how Zack finds him, rocking back and forth, pulling at his hair and muttering.  
  
"Tyler, what's wrong? Are you okay?" He can hear Zack talking and feel Zack trying to pull his hands out of his own hair without hurting him, but he can't say anything, feels like he can't speak at all, like he's lost his voice, but he can faintly hear himself still saying no.  
  
"I don't know what's wrong, or why you're so upset Tyler, but I want to help you. Can I help you?" Tyler squeezes his eyes shut, and starts shaking his head again.  
  
"I know you've been struggling for a long time, and I should've helped you sooner. I've been such a shitty brother. I've heard you cry yourself to sleep at night Tyler. Let me help you now please." Zack's holding Tyler's hands in his now, and Tyler's still shaking and rocking. He's silent now. "Please Tyler. I love you. I don't want to lose my brother."  
  
"Please say something. Please." Tyler's eyes are still closed, all he can see if Blurryface. But he can hear that Zack is crying.  
  
"I'm sorry." Tyler's crying now too, and Blurryface is still taunting him but he needs to let Zack know that he's okay.  
  
"Don't apologize Tyler. It's not your fault, it's okay. Do you want to tell me what upset you?"  
  
Tyler's not sure why he does it, but he pulls his hands out of Zack's and pulls the sleeves of his shirt up to show Zack his arms.  
  
"Tyler, I thought you stopped. This one looks infected."  
  
"It's not that easy to just stop Zack. Just because you caught me and told mom and dad doesn't mean I stopped. I just stopped being so stupidly obvious." Tyler's trying not to look into Zack's eyes, he doesn't want to see the disappointment in them.  
  
"I should've known. We share a room, I should've seen. I shouldn't have been so blind. I'm so sorry Tyler."  
  
"No, Zack. You couldn't have known, I only did it when you weren't here, where you wouldn't see. Don't blame yourself."  
  
"Will you let me clean this one up? It needs to antibiotic stuff on it." Zack is blatantly ignoring that Tyler doesn't blame him.  
  
"It's fine Zack. I'm fine." Tyler knows the cut on his arm will be okay, he's had worse before, and he's got a pretty bad one on his thigh right now.  
  
"It's not fine. I'm going to get the first-aid kit out of the bathroom. Don't move, please." Zack's moving so fast out of the room, Tyler almost thinks he's trying to get away from him, that he won't be coming back.  
  
_**"He's disgusted with you Tyler. He thinks you're a freak. He doesn't want you and neither does Joshy."**_  
  
Tyler needs to get out, get away, not only from Zack, but from his thoughts. He runs out of the room, doing his best to avoid Zack seeing him, and runs to the basement down. Down the eleven steps, into the darkness of the room. He doesn't bother with the light, goes straight to his piano and starts playing. He's not sure what the notes are, what song he's playing, but he doesn't stop, just keeps playing and playing.  
  
The light turns on and he doesn't stop, doesn't look up, doesn't see that it's Zack coming after him.  
  
"I asked you not to run of. Let me see your arm." Tyler ignores him and keeps playing.  
  
"I didn't want to get mom involved Tyler, but I'm gonna have to if you don't let me clean it up." He's still playing.  
  
"Fine, I'm getting mom, and then she can deal with you. I don't want anything to happen to you Tyler, but I can't do this." Tyler can hear Zack retreating up the stairs, still he keeps playing.  
  
\--  
  
His head is pounding when he wakes up, he's shaking and and sweating. He needs to get to Brendon's house asap.  
  
He doesn't bother with a shower, just pulls on a clean shirt, grabs his shoes and tries to sneak out the door without his mom catching him.  
  
He doesn't take his car, he runs, he knows the car would've been faster but he would've gotten caught then, someone in his house would've heard the engine start and tried to stop him.  
  
He's pounding on Brendon's front door, he knows it's too early for Brendon to actually be awake, but he needs it now. He's gotta go to work soon.  
  
"What the fuck?!" The door swings open and there's Brendon completely naked.  
  
"I need it Bren, I need it now."  
  
"Need what shithead? I was sleeping."  
  
"Pills, I need more fucking Adderall, I ran out last night."  
  
"You fucking woke me up for that? You better make it worth my while man." Brendon steps out of the doorway to let Josh inside.  
  
He follows Brendon to the living room, Brendon hands him two pills, "More than that."  
  
"Fuck Josh, how many are you doing?"  
  
"I don't know, did six last night, then three more, then I ran out."  
  
"Jesus Josh, that's way too fucking much."  
  
"Fuck you Brendon. Just give 'em too me."  
  
Brendon hands the whole bottle over, and Josh pulls out four more pills, breaks the capsules apart and snorts them.  
  
After the power is up his nose, he really notices that Brendon is naked, and he's getting hard.  
  
He leans in close and licks up Brendon's chest, sucks at his neck and whispers in his ear, "Fuck me."  
  
He's rubbing himself against Brendon, making soft breathy noises into Brendon's ear.  
  
Brendon can't say no, he pushes Josh down onto the couch, tugs Josh's shorts and boxers down and takes Josh's cock into his mouth.  
  
Josh is moaning and his fingers are in Brendon's hair, he's pushing Brendon down further, he feels himself hitting the back of Brendon's throat, feels him gagging but doesn't let up.  
  
He holds Brendon down, and begins to thrust upward into Brendon's mouth. As much as Brendon is gagging, he seems to be liking it, he's not struggling to get out of Josh's grip.  
  
"Bren c'mon fuck me, I want to cum with your dick inside me. Fuck."  
  
He lets go of Brendon's hair, and grabbing onto the couch cushions. Brendon let's releases his cock with a wet popping sound, he moves away, grabs the bottle of lube and a condom that Josh knows he keeps in the drawer next to the couch. Josh is getting impatient.  
  
"Let's go Urie." His legs are being spread apart and he can feel the lube on Brendon's fingers, he presses one inside of Josh, and he can't help the whine that comes from deep in his throat.  
  
"More, c'mon, you know I can take it."  
  
Brendon adds another, slowly stretching him. Josh wants to cry, he needs Brendon to go faster.  
  
Finally he's being flipped over, face pressed down into the couch cushion, he hears the condom being ripped open, Brendon pulls his fingers out and quickly slides into him.  
  
"Fuck." The word is drawn out, longer than it should be and Josh starts wiggling his hips back and forth, trying to get Brendon to move.  
  
Brendon's starts thrusting and Josh feels like he's floating.  
  
"Faster." Brendon obliges, hips snapping back and forth.  
  
Josh can't control the sounds he's making, he's loud and it's turning himself on more than he thought he could be.  
  
"Fuck Bren, harder." Brendon's hips are slamming into his ass, and it hurts but the pain is delicious. He needs more, Josh pushes his ass toward Brendon on every outward stroke. He needs more.  
  
Brendon's groaning and Josh thinks maybe he hears his name once or twice.  
  
"Fuck Bren, I'm gonna cum." Josh vaguely notices that he's not even touching himself, and neither is Brendon.  
  
"Yeah, cum for me Joshy." Brendon's fingers are digging into his hips.  
  
"Fuck Tyler." He's cumming, and everything goes white for a minute.  
  
Brendon's pushing him away, "Get the fuck out of my house! Get the fuck out now!" he's yelling and Josh is confused.  
  
He's trying to catch his breath, "What?" is all he can manage to say as he pants.  
  
"Get the fuck out Dun. Now!" Brendon's throwing his shorts and boxers at him.  
  
"What the fuck man? What'd I do?" Josh still can't breath, and his head is starting to hurt again.  
  
"Go find fucking Tyler, let him support your habit Joshua. I'm fucking done. Get the fuck out of my house, and don't fucking come back."  
  
Josh is dressed now, he grabs the bottle of pills off the table where he's set them.  
  
"I don't even fucking know what I did Brendon. I'm sorry."  
  
Brendon doesn't say anything else, walks out of the room and down the hall into what Josh knows is his bathroom.  
  
What the fuck did he do?  
  
\--  
  
He can't stop the tears that are falling from his eyes or the sobs that are coming from his mouth. Why had he been so stupid? Why did he let himself get so caught up in Joshua fucking Dun? All because his name was on his fucking wrists. He'd let Josh so far into his life, he hoped for so long that his names would become visible and that Josh would see that his name was on his wrist. He would see that they were meant to be together. He knows that's not entirely true, maybe Josh was destined to be his enemy. That feels right now. Josh isn't supposed to be his soulmate. He wasn't supposed to fall so fucking head over heels in love with Josh, but he did. It hurts so fucking bad. He's so stupid. He was so blinded by the hope that Josh was  _the one_ that he hadn't considered the possibility that Josh  **wasn't**. He's never seen both of Josh's names, the asshole had one covered up, but he knows that it doesn't say his name. If it said his name, then his his own names would be visible and they're not. And he knows in the back of his mind that it could be that the other person who's name is on him, Dallon Weekes, maybe can't see his own names yet, so that's why Brendon's aren't visible; but he can feel it in his bones. It's not Dallon that's preventing his names from showing, it's fucking Joshua Dun.  
  
Brendon hadn't done coke in a long fucking time, but the weed wasn't gonna cut it this time.  
  
He set up three lines, snorted and tried to forget Joshua William Dun, asshole extraordinaire.  
  
\--  
  
"You're over eighteen now Tyler, but if we think it's necessary we can get a court order to commit you for a psych evaluation. If you won't go on your own, you'll force our hand."  
  
"I'm not crazy. I don't need a psych evaluation. I'm fine. I just cut myself a few times. It was stupid. I won't do it again. I don't need to be locked up."  
  
_**"Don't let them do it Tyler. They'll make me go away, and then you'll be all alone again."**_ Tyler doesn't want to listen to Blurry, but he's right. If he get's locked up, they'll make Blurryface go away, Tyler's wanted that forever, but he'll be alone. He doesn't want to be alone.  
  
"Please Tyler. You need to go. You didn't talk to anyone for months, it's not just you cutting yourself a couple times." Zack has tears in his eyes, and he sounds angry.  
  
"No. I'm fine. I just didn't want to talk to anyone. I'm sorry. I like the quiet." He's lying through his teeth, and the guilt of it is making him feel sick.  
  
"Tyler Robert, you've got cuts and scars on your arms, you didn't speak for months, you cover yourself in black paint. It isn't  _healthy_. You need help." They don't know about the cuts on his thighs, the scars and scabs and infection. They don't know.  
  
"Please Tyler. You're my brother, I love you. Maddie and Jay love you, we want you to stick around. We want you here with us. We need our big brother. Please." Zack's crying now, and Tyler feels bad. He made his brother cry again.  
  
"I'm sorry Zack. I can't go. Won't go."  
  
"You leave us no choice Tyler. We're going to start the paperwork to have you committed. You need help Tyler."  
  
\--  
  
As he walked home, Josh pulled out his cellphone, eight eleven. He had nineteen minutes to get home, get dressed and get to work before he was late again.  
  
He started running.  
  
He'd already fucked up his friendship with Brendon without even knowing what he did, he wasn't going to lose his job too.  
  
He made it to work with one minute to spare.  
  
\--  
  
It took a couple days but the court order went though, Tyler was being committed to what everyone was just calling a center not a mental hospital.  
  
He wasn't going, he wouldn't go. The cops came, handcuffed him, put him in their squad car and took him.  
  
He wanted to fight, wanted to kick and scream. Blurry never shut up their entire time, screaming in his head that Tyler was letting them get rid of him, that Tyler was going to be alone.  
  
He couldn't stop crying.  
  
\--  
  
It'd been a week since he'd seen Brendon, three days since he'd ran out of Adderall. He was throwing up, shaking, sweating and crying. His mom was getting worried, he told her he just had stomach thing. He'd be fine in a few days. He'd missed work three days in a row, his manager said if he didn't have a doctors excuse the next day he was getting fired. He couldn't go to the doctor, they'd know it wasn't a virus. They would know it was detox, know it was withdrawal.  
  
He didn't want to do it but he  **had** to do it, he got dressed, got into his car despite his mom's protests. He drove around for a wile, trying not to crash. He didn't know where to go, where do you get more drugs when you don't know a dealer?  
  
He drove for what seemed like hours.  
  
He finally stopped, he was shaking so bad he almost hit a parked car.  
  
He looked out the windshield. The center he'd been in for rehab.  
  
Why the fuck was he there? He didn't want to be there. But maybe he did. Maybe in the back of his mind he wanted to be there, he wanted to make things right, again. Needed to fix himself, so he could help fix Tyler.


	11. Where do we begin (to get clean again)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of Third Eye Blind, Linkin Park and Three Days Grace(old stuff with my bby Adam) was listened to while writing this one.  
> Funny little thing that I want to mention, the other day at work, I was standing at my register bored out of my mind, so I got a piece of receipt paper and started writing out a summary of sorts for this chapter, as well as a "timeline" so that was fun. It'll hopefully help me keep this chapter on track.  
> Let me say now that I am sorry, this(as a whole) is a million times sadder than I had originally planned. But I've made promises to try to give the boys a happy ending, and this chapter will be a good deal happier, not saying it won't have sad angst filled moments but it'll end pretty nicely.  
> I've never ever been in any kind of rehab or like therapy or anything, so I apologize if you have and I am getting things incredibly wrong, I did some research and I've obviously seen some stuff in movies/books/tv but like I've never gone through it. A few family members have experienced it, but I'm not going to ask them about it.

"I think," he paused feeling too nauseous to speak, "I mean, I know I need to check myself in."  
  
"Alright honey, I need to get your name, and why you're here."  
  
"Josh Dun. I uh, I've been here before. I started using again, I really need to stop." He's sweating and shaking, and the woman can clearly see that he's not doing good, yet she's still asking stupid questions. Josh knows that she  **has** to ask them. She has to do the intake, she can't just stick him in a room and hope he'll get put into the system. But it's making him angry, he just wants the help, wants to get this shit over with.  
  
She's typing things into her computer, "Alright, Josh you'll need to be seen by an intake doctor and then we can get you set up in a room. If you want to follow me." She stands, motions for Josh to follow her down the hallway and Josh has done this before, knows where he's going without a guide but follows.  
  
"It shouldn't be more than a minute or two before the doctor comes in, go ahead and have a seat. I'll go see about getting you a room." Josh nods and she leaves the room, the door clicking shut behind her.  
  
Josh has been here before, he's been in this room, waiting to be looked at by a doctor, they'll check his blood pressure, heart rate, ask a few questions and then send him off. The nurse had said a minute or two, but time seems to drag on for hours, his stomach is feeling worse, he's dry heaving into a trash can next to the exam table he's sitting on. He hasn't eaten since yesterday, or maybe the day before, there's nothing left for him to throw up but bile, thankfully it's staying down for the time being.  
  
"Mr. Dun, I'm sorry to see you're back." Of course it's the same doctor that did his intake exam as last time, Dr. Markham secures the blood pressure cuff around his left arm as he speaks.  
  
"Blood pressure is definitely high," he then checks Josh's heart rate, "tachycardia, sweating, and you're shaking. I need to know what you're coming off of?"  
  
"Adderall."  
  
"Were you taking it orally?"  
  
"Snorting it. Before you ask I was taking a lot. I took six one night, eight another, usually only three or four at a time though. At least three times a day, sometimes more."  
  
"How long have you been taking it?"  
  
"I don't know, April maybe."  
  
"Any side-effects while taking them?"  
  
"Like what? I was high all the time, I mean my nose would bleed sometimes, and it was numb all the time. I don't know, maybe I had headaches more often."  
  
"How long since you last used?"  
  
"Three days, I ran out. I couldn't go back to my guy, got into a fight with him, so I had to try to deal. Didn't quite work though." Josh tries to laugh and ends up dry heaving again.  
  
"You'll need to speak with a therapist as soon as you start to feel a bit better. Until then, you know the ins and outs of what's going to happen over the next few days, you've gone through what some think is the hardest part, alone at home the last few days. Time will tell how you feel over the next couple days. Medically we cannot give you anything for the pain's you may have or the nausea you're experiencing. As you know we have other ways to help with that. You need plenty of sleep Joshua. I'll have a nurse take you to your room."  
  
Dr. Markham stops before leaving the room, "One more thing, the piercing has to come out for the time being. The nurse will assist you."  
  
He had the silver ring out before the nurse even came in, she had him put it in a small plastic baggie, then had him empty his pockets and put everything into a larger plastic bag labeled, "Joshua Dun, Personal Items" he knew it would get locked in a cabinet somewhere that he couldn't get to it. She gave him plain white boxers, light grey cotton pants, a white t-shirt and simple slip-on white shoes to change into and asked him to put his "street clothes" into the bag as well. He did as she asked, then she left the room briefly to deposit the bag into the cabinet then returned to lead him to his room.  
  
At least it wasn't the same room as last time, and surprisingly he was by himself. Last time he'd had a roommate. He wasn't sure if he was excited to be alone, or terrified. With a roommate if he did something stupid or he was too ill to even move his roommate would let staff know. Alone, if something happened no one would know until room check every forty-five minutes.  
  
He was feeling sick again when she left, his head was pounding, he was so fucking hot and all he could think about was Tyler.  
  
\--  
  
Day three, he still hadn't spoken to any one. He refused. His one-on-one therapy wasn't going well, he didn't care. He didn't want it to go well, maybe he was crazy, maybe not. But at least Blurry was still around. They hadn't been able to make him go away, not yet.  
  
His roommate was obnoxious. Loud and over-sharing. Blurry was always talking, telling Tyler how he couldn't let them get rid of him, how he had to keep them together, how they were supposed to be together forever. Blurryface usually drowned out the sounds of Tyler's roommate, but sometimes the kid was louder, and Tyler's head constantly ached.  
  
A nurse came in for room check, "Mr. Joseph, today instead of going to a session with Dr. Thein you will be going to group with Mrs. Reynolds, she's a councilor. Next room check myself or another nurse will escort you there." Tyler ignores her.  
  
He doesn't want to go to group, doesn't want to be around even more people. But maybe it'll be better than his sessions with Thein. Maybe they won't try to make him talk.  
  
_**"Don't be so fucking stupid Tyler. You know they'll try to make you talk, make me go away, they always do. But you can't let them. Don't let them get rid of me. You don't want to be alone forever do you Ty?"**_ Tyler shakes his head a couple times and tries to zone out until next room check.  
  
\--  
  
Four fucking days and he still feels shitty. It didn't seem to last as long before. They're making him eat, or at least try, but everything that goes down comes right back up. They're worried he's going to get dehydrated, they keep giving him Gatorade and other electrolyte replenishing drinks, they stay down for a while, but everything comes back up eventually. They've told him that if he still can't keep anything down by tomorrow, they'll have to hook him up to an IV to prevent him from getting sicker from dehydration.  
  
Josh's entire body aches, and he just wants to sleep it off, he has trouble falling asleep; they tell him it's insomnia caused by the withdrawal. But even when he does sleep, he feels just as shitty after.  
  
It's almost midnight, Josh just wants to fall asleep but he's nauseous, his muscles ache and his stomach has been bothering him all day, he feels a bit like he did last time he caught a stomach bug.  
  
\--  
  
Eleven days, he still hasn't talked, Blurry is still yelling and Tyler really wishes he had something sharp to make Blurry shut up for a while. He's not allowed to leave his room alone though, he's watched in the bathroom, watched while eating, watched always. The only time he's alone is when his roommate is at his therapy sessions, and even then he's only gone for an hour, and he's watched during room checks. There's always a nurse or doctor or councilor somewhere.  
  
\--  
  
He hasn't thrown up in two days, he's still worried it's going to start coming up again any minute. He's still a little shaky and he's sweating more than he should be. His body isn't as achy as it was the day before. Josh has been sleeping a little better, it's still hard to fall asleep though.  
  
He had his first session with Dr. Waechter three days ago, it'd hadn't gone very well. Halfway through Josh got mad and started screaming at him. Dr. Waechter kept telling him that the anger was normal, that it was part of the withdrawal, that only pissed Josh off more. His session was ended early, and he was escorted back to his room. He was under constant supervision the rest of the night.  
  
"Joshua, you've been here twelve days now. We had a bit of a problem the other day during your session, but I think it would benefit you to join a group session as well. I think you'll have a better experience in a smaller group, you'll have your first meeting with Mrs. Reynolds tomorrow." Dr. Waechter's been talking for what seems like an hour now, Josh is starting to get a headache again. Isn't therapy supposed to be about Josh talking about his problems, not listening to the therapist talk the entire time?  
  
"And I have to go, right?" He doesn't want to be in a group. He wants the help, but group was shitty last time.  
  
"I'm putting it down as part of your required treatment, yes. I understand you're voluntarily here, but you know how this goes, you have a treatment plan that you will be required to follow before we can discuss you leaving."  
  
"I can leave whenever I want. You can't keep me here, I'm not court ordered. But I'm not going to just leave whenever. I want the help, I want to be off of this shit. I want fix things with my fucking soulmate. I want to have a semi-normal life. So I guess if that means I have to fucking participate in group sessions, I will." Josh knows he was getting louder and more angry as he spoke. At least group won't be with the fuckhead he had to deal with last time. Maybe Reynolds will be a better group leader.  
  
\--  
  
There was a new member joining group today, Reynolds had told them all yesterday, she didn't say who the new member was. They'd get to do introductions  **again**. Tyler didn't want to listen to everyone's bullshit again. He never said anything though, he wondered why they kept him in group if he didn't talk.  
  
Tyler's group currently had four people, including himself, the new member would make five, and Tyler'd never been too fond of multiples of five.  
  
\--  
  
Josh wasn't looking forward to group, but he had to go, and he wanted to cooperate and get this shit done with.  
  
Reynolds group had four people in it, Josh hoped they weren't all assholes.  
  
Their meeting was in room seven, Josh was escorted there by a nurse at five minutes to two. The rest of the group was already there.  
  
Josh didn't look around the room much, just sat in a chair, and waited for Reynolds to begin.  
  
"As you all know, we've got a new member today. I'd like to redo our introductions. Let's start with Clay."  
  
The guy next to Josh starts talking, and Josh zones out for a bit, staring down at his shoes, they're plain and look exactly like everyone else's shoes but they are much more interesting than what Clay is saying.  
  
It's a few minutes before Josh hears Reynolds speaking again, he may have been zoned out, but he does notice that only three people spoke, despite there being four people that should have.  
  
"Lastly before I ask Josh to introduce him, I'll introduce Tyler, since he won't do it himself. We'll get there though." The name Tyler makes Josh look up, and his heart skips. Tyler's here, Tyler is in this fucking center, in this fucking group. What the fuck happened after Josh dropped him off?  
  
"Now if you'd like to tell us about yourself Josh."  
  
He hesitates, doesn't want to speak, Tyler's not even looking up at him. His arms are across his chest, holding onto himself, almost as if he's trying to hide them. Josh knows that he probably is trying to hide them.  
  
"Uh, I'm Josh obviously. I um just got out of here in February, I was taking a lot of Xanax. Because I was trying to forget my soulmate. But then I got some help, and things seemed to be getting better. And then I started fucking my friend, I mean, um he was my dealer too, so that was probably a bad choice right? Yeah, I started snorting Adderall, and then my soulmate started talking to me again, and it was really nice. But I was already too far gone, snorting four or six, even eight pills at at time. And then I fucked everything up again, between myself and my soulmate and myself and my friend, I know what I did to my soulmate but I have no fucking clue what I even did to my friend. Then I ran out of pills and ended up here." Josh pauses, his voice shaking and quieter than he had wanted it to be.  
  
"It's a good thing I'm here though, not only to get help with my addiction. But because maybe I can fix the problems I caused with my soulmate, because he's here to. Actually he's in this group right now."  
  
Reynolds thanks him for sharing so much. Josh stops listening, he's staring at Tyler, watching as his shoulders shake slightly and he shakes his head a few times. Josh wishes he could go to him, apologize, wrap his arms around him and make him feel better. He can't though, not in the middle of group. Josh has no idea if anyone mentions that he said his soulmate is there, he wonders if anyone in the group has seen Tyler's wrists? If they know who Josh was talking about.  
  
\--  
  
Josh has been trying to get Tyler's attention for three days now. Tyler won't talk, won't even look at him. All he can think about is how he treated Tyler the same way in school, and he feels shitty all the time; and it's not just because of the withdrawal.  
  
It's Josh's birthday and he knows that no one will mention it but he wishes someone would. His birthday last year wasn't the greatest, and this year won't be any better. At least last year he wasn't in fucking treatment. He wasn't a fucking addict.  
  
Today makes fifteen days that he's been in this time. He wishes he hadn't agreed to sixty days. They'd asked him more than once if he wanted twenty-eight or even thirty and he insisted on sixty. The longer he was in last time, seemed to help more, he thought it was a better idea, and it really is, but he wishes it was over with, wishes he could just go home already.  
  
Josh has a session with Dr. Waechter at eleven, lunch at noon and then group at two. It's a busy fucking day, and Josh wishes he could skip it all, if he can't be at home, he wishes he could stay in bed all day. He's exhausted, hasn't slept much since he saw Tyler. His mind keeps throwing out insane ideas about what happened that got Tyler sent to the center. Was it voluntary like Josh? He really doubted that since Tyler wasn't cooperating, wasn't participating at all. If that was the case though, who committed him? It had to be family members, his parents for sure. That also meant they knew what Tyler had done, they knew about the cutting, and maybe even Blurryface. Josh really wishes Tyler would just talk to someone. Wishes Tyler would let them help him. Josh still wants to help him.  
  
\--  
  
His session with Waechter goes better than it had the last few times. Josh barely eats anything at lunch.  
  
He volunteers to share first during group, "I could say a bunch of cliche bullshit, that every day is better than the last. Or something equally boring and predictable. But I won't. Because yeah, it is getting easier in some ways but other ways it's harder than ever. I've been here before, I've done all of this before. I know everything that I'm being told. I know the steps, I know  _how_ to recover. That doesn't mean I can. I try and try, over and over again. And I still feel like I'm failing. I still constantly think about Adderall and what I'm going to do when I leaver here." He pauses to think about what he's going to say next.  
  
"I don't want to be an addict, but I will always be one. There's nothing that will ever make me not be an addict. I wish there was some magic fix all shit that could make everything better, but there's not. This center isn't magic, it's not going to fix everything for me, or any of us. They teach us how to deal with our shit. But it doesn't go away. They taught me how to cope with everything, and I barely lasted two fucking months. That's on me though, that's my fault. I got cocky, thought I'd be fine if I went back to my dealer's house. There was drugs and temptations everywhere and I gave in. You don't have to give in though." He stops to breath.  
  
"I'm nineteen years old, today is my birthday. And instead of being out with my friends or family celebrating, I'm in here dealing with bullshit that I brought onto myself." Josh can feel tears welling up in his eyes, he's trying to will them away. He doesn't want to start crying right now.  
  
"I'm the reason my soulmate is in here too. If I hadn't been such an assholes I could've helped him deal with his shit. But I wouldn't talk to him when we first met, so he thought I didn't want anything to do with him, so he let his demons take over, tell him all kinds of crazy shit and now he's here. I know he doesn't want to be here, and I wish he fucking wasn't. I wish he was fine, I wish I was fine. I wish we could be fine together. But I made stupid fucking choices that fucked up both of our lives." Tyler isn't looking at him, but he's all that Josh sees.  
  
"Tyler, I'm so fucking sorry for all the shit I put you through. I shouldn't have treated you the way I did. I shouldn't have ignored you, I shouldn't have left you when I knew you were hurt. I shouldn't have left you alone with  _him_. I should've been there for you Tyler. I shouldn't have run to Brendon instead of you. But I did, and I'm sorry. I hope you'll forgive me someday. But I understand if you don't. I just want you to know, that I'll always be here for you Tyler. I know I said that before, and then I fucking left. But I'm going to do everything I can to not leave you again. I'm going to try so fucking hard to stay off of this shit, off of any of it. I don't want to hurt you again Tyler. I've said it a bunch of times, but I really am truly sorry for the way I treated you." The tears are falling and Josh isn't even trying to hide them or stop them. Tyler still isn't looking at him, but he seems to be actually listening.  
  
\--  
  
", but I really am truly sorry for the way I treated you." Tyler wants to believe Josh, he really does. But Blurry doesn't want him to believe. Blurryface doesn't want Tyler to have anything to do with Josh.  
  
__**"It's supposed to be us Tyler. Always just us. He's just trying to get sympathy. He's just trying to get out of here faster."**  
  
Tyler shakes his head rapidly, "No. You're wrong. He's not lying." Tyler doesn't realizes he's speaking out loud until he hears his own voice.  
  
"He thinks I'm lying? I'm not Tyler. I promise." Josh sniffles, he's crying.  
  
__**"Don't listen to him Tyler. Don't fall for those crocodile tears."**  
  
\--  
  
"Tyler you have to ignore him. Don't let him win this." Josh wonders momentarily what the rest of the group and Reynolds are thinking, but no one interrupts. Maybe they like the drama, or maybe they're all glad they don't have to talk.  
  
"Tyler you have to fight him. He's wrong and he's trying to hurt you." Tyler has to listen, has to believe Josh.  
  
"Tell him to go away Tyler. Tell him to leave you alone. Tell him you don't want him around anymore."  
  
Tyler's shaking his head, and he looks like he's about to cry.  
  
"Tell him Tyler. Make him go away."  
  
"I can't. If he leaves, I'll be alone. You'll leave again, and I'll be alone."  
  
"No, Tyler. No, I'm not going to leave again. I'm staying with you Tyler."  
  
Josh is still crying, the tears and still falling slowly, he wishes they would stop. His nose is stuffy and his eyes feel puffy. Josh knows he shouldn't do it, he stands up and walks toward Tyler.  
  
"Joshua," Reynolds starts to tell him not to, she knows what he's planning.  
  
"I don't care what your rules and policies are." He crouches down in front of Tyler, tries to make him look into his eyes.  
  
"Tyler, you won't be alone. I promise. It'll be okay. Let me help you. You wanted me to help you, remember? And you were gonna help me, you still can. We can help each other."  
  
"No. No. No. No."  
  
"Tyler tell him to go away. Tell him to leave you alone. Do you want to tell him together?" Tyler's breathing is getting faster.  
  
Tyler's arms are wrapped around himself again, Josh pulls gently at them, and takes Tyler's hands into his.  
  
"C'mon Tyler. We can do it together. On three, please."  
  
Josh isn't sure, but he thinks maybe Tyler nods, only slightly though.  
  
"One,"  
  
"Two,"  
  
"Three,"  
  
"Go away Blurryface."  
  
"Go away." Tyler's voice is so soft and Josh almost isn't sure he hears him.  
  
"Yeah, good job Tyler. Keep telling him to go away. You don't need him around anymore."  
  
Tyler pulls Josh towards him.  
  
"You promise you aren't leaving?"  
  
"I promise Tyler. I'll do everything I can to never leave you again."  
  
Tyler's lips are against his for no more than a second but Josh feels like everything is going to be okay.  
  
"I know this is very beneficial for both of you, but it is absolutely against our center's policies. I have to ask you to move away from each other." Josh wants to scream at Reynolds, tell her to leave them the fuck alone. That they need this, but he doesn't, he releases Tyler's hands and moves back to his chair across the room from Tyler.  
  
Tyler tracks him back across the room with his eyes, not seeming to want to look away from him.  
  
Josh isn't crying quite so hard anymore, he smiles at Tyler, and Tyler smiles back.  
  
Once again Josh really, really wishes he hadn't signed up for sixty days. He knows he can leave whenever, but knows that isn't a good idea. He hopes the days go fast, and he hopes he can help Tyler finally be free of Blurryface.  
  
\--  
  
Blurry isn't really gone, not yet. But for the first time ever Tyler  **wants** him to be gone for good. He just wants Josh.  
  
Tyler vows to start participating, to cooperate and get better. Tyler volunteers to share with the group next.


	12. You and I (keep the demons away)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, the end. This verse isn't quite over yet though. Keep an eye out for shots from the verse. They will be added to the series as I write them. No guarantee of how many but I've got ideas for at least four, not including an entire shot devoted to addressing the Brendon incident.
> 
> I'm hoping to have the first of the shots up within the next couple days, once again don't hold me to that schedule, but I'll try.
> 
> I had to rewrite the first like 800 words three times, because I am a dumbass and forgot to copy and paste them into a separate doc and accidentally closed the tab this was open in so I'm really not 100% okay with that part because of that, but whatever, the past is the past.

A couple days later Dr. Thein starts Tyler on antipsych meds. Haloperidol. Tyler's so scared to take them. He doesn't want to end up addicted and going through what Josh is experiencing. Tyler fights and cries and refuses to take them for three days, they tell him over and over that Haldol isn't addictive. Tyler doesn't believe them and Blurryface is yelling in his head, telling him not to take them that they are poisonous, that they will hurt Tyler. Josh finally convinces him that they won't hurt him, that they'll help.

Tyler is still scared, but agrees and starts taking Haldol on his twenty fourth day.

\--

Tyler only has six days left from the court order, he gets to go home soon. He doesn't want to leave Josh though, wants to stay with him until he's better too. He wants to go home though, wants to see his family, thank his mom and dad for getting the court order, already feels so much than before.

 

\--

 

Two days left, Tyler's starting to get nervous. Dr. Thein tells him that once he's released he'll have to see a therapist twice a week for six weeks to monitor the effects of the Haloperidol, after which he'll only need to go once a week until the doctor sees fit to change the schedule.

 

Tyler doesn't see Josh as much as he would like too, they both have busy days, Thein put Tyler in a bunch of activities to help him socialize, plus he's got his one-on-one sessions, he really only sees Josh during group.

 

\--

 

Tyler's thirtieth day is approaching much quicker than Josh would like, he doesn't want Tyler to leave him. He wants to go with him, but he **knows** it wouldn't be a good idea for him to leave yet. He doesn't see Tyler much, and soon it will be even less. After group the other day Tyler told Josh he'd come visit him after he got out. Josh hopes that's true. The only time he really sees Tyler now is group, Tyler's always busy doing something and any free time he has Josh is at one of his thrice daily NA meetings.

 

Josh had tried to fight Waechter on going to the three meetings a day, said he wanted to only go to one. He wanted to join some of the activities, the writing group or music or something so he'd be able to see Tyler more. Waechter had denied his request, and told him maybe in the future, but now he wasn't stable enough to not go to meetings. Josh decided fighting wasn't worth it and dropped it on his twenty second day.

 

\--

 

Day twenty six is a tough one for Josh. He's more depressed than ever, having so pretty heavy thoughts. He doesn't talk much when he meets with Dr. Waechter, doesn't participate during his NA meetings and breaks down crying during group.

 

\--

 

Day thirty, Tyler is getting released at one when his mother comes to pick him up. He tries a million times to convince them to let him see Josh before he leaves. Josh had been escorted back to his room during group the day before, he was sobbing, and Tyler wanted nothing more than to chase after him, and comfort him. He hadn't seen Josh since, and today he didn't get to go to group at two, he'd be at home by then.

 

They wouldn't let him see Josh; Tyler cried the entire ride home. His mother kept telling how happy she was to see him, how happy she was that he was doing better. She told him that his father and Zack had gone through the entire house and cleaned everything up. She didn't say that they found the blades and threw them away, but he knew that's what she was talking about.  
  
\--  
  
Tyler's been out for a month, he's not allowed to visit Josh. Blurryface is gone but so is Josh and Tyler is so tempted to cut himself. He needs something  _anything_ that is familiar, that comforts him. His family tries to help him feel better, tries to reassure him that once Josh is out they'll be right as rain and everything will be so nice.  
  
Tyler doesn't believe them.  
  
Josh said he wouldn't leave Tyler, but Tyler left him. Tyler'd made promises.  
  
He goes to the party supply store, buys the familiar black paint and smears it all over his neck and hands, covering his own name on his wrist but  **not** Josh's.

 

\--

 

Day thirty seven Dr. Waechter diagnoses Josh as being depressed and having anxiety. Waechter tells Josh that there are medications they could give him to help treat the depression and anxiety, but they are hesitant because of his addiction.  
  
Josh agrees it's probably not a good idea.  
  
\--  
  
Day forty three is when Josh starts taking Zoloft. He'd stopped eating a few days prior, he hadn't participated in any of his meetings or group in a week, he wouldn't talk to anyone; he was in a steady backslide, getting worse every day. Most days they had to force him out of his bed.  
  
Dr. Waechter explained that Zoloft wasn't addictive, wasn't a medication that could be used to "get high", Josh didn't care, swallowed the pill without a second thought.  
  
\--  
  
Day forty eight, the Zoloft was definitely helping, but Josh was still not feeling great. He hadn't seen Tyler in almost a month. Tyler had promised to come visit him.  
  
By day fifty Josh realized that Tyler didn't want anything to do with him anymore, he was out and doing good. Josh was stuck and still an addict.  
  
\--  
  
Day fifty three, he was almost done, seven more fucking days. He could do it, he could get through them, he'd be fine. The pills were helping, he didn't feel quite so down. Still upset about Tyler, but he was participating again and talking things through with Waechter. Josh couldn't wait to get the fuck out and go home. He missed his own bed.  
  
\--  
  
Day sixty, finally fucking free. Josh changed into  **his** own clothes, they were definitely dirty, he'd been wearing them for two days when he'd taken them off, but they were  **his** and they weren't the same as everyone else's. Over the last sixty days he really missed his nose piercing, he knows that it probably closed up at least partially, but he shoves it through, his eyes water from the brief pain, but he's glad it goes through and there's no blood.  
  
When he gets out to his car he calls Tyler, tries to at least. Tyler doesn't answer. Josh tries not to think about it, and heads to his first NA meeting outside of the center. Waechter had told him about the meeting and recommended that Josh still go at least once a day. Josh agreed.  
  
\--  
  
Six interviews so far with promises to "get a hold of him". Tyler shakes his head, defeated as he walks out of the building to his car. Today is supposed to be a good day, Josh get's discharged today. Tyler's been trying to hard to find a job, doesn't want to rely on his parents for money, he's going to be nineteen in a few months. Time to grow up and be a big boy. But no one wants to hire the mentally unstable kid that covered in paint.  
  
The paint is ruining things for him, his father doesn't like to be in the same room with him again. He can't get a job. But he  **needs** the paint, it helps him feel better. His therapist has tried suggesting different medications to try for the anxiety and depression he's experiencing, he refuses. Tells her he's fine, that he doesn't need more pills, the Haldol is enough. The voice is gone and that's all that matters, he can cope with the rest.  
  
His phone had been ringing during the interview, he hoped that maybe it was one of the places he'd interviewed at calling him back to tell him he was hired, or however the situation went.  
  
It wasn't a potential job calling, it was Josh. Tyler's heart sank, he missed Josh's call. Tyler tried to call him back, straight to voicemail. Tyler wanted to scream.  
  
But maybe, since he was out, maybe he was home. Tyler had found out Josh's address while in the center, Josh had told him. Tyler started the car and drove straight to Josh's house.  
  
His car wasn't there, but that didn't mean he wasn't.  
  
A woman, Tyler assumed was Josh's mother, answered the door.  
  
"Hello ma'am, I'm looking for Josh."  
  
"He's not home yet, had a meeting to go to. If you want to leave your name I can let him know you stopped by."  
  
"No, thank you ma'am. I..uh, if you'd allow me to, I'd like to wait for him."  
  
"Sorry, I'm not letting a strange into my home to wait for my son."  
  
"I'm sorry. I'm just really nervous, I'm Tyler. I don't know if you know  _who_ I am. But if you don't want me waiting in here, I'd be more than happy to wait outside in my car."  
  
"Tyler? Tyler Joseph?"  
  
Tyler nods, "Yes, ma'am."  
  
"Why didn't you say that in the first place, please dear come right in." She definitely  **knew**.  
  
"Josh shouldn't be gone much longer, the meeting was at three, it's nearly four thirty. Come sit with me in the kitchen, have a snack. I made some of Josh's favorites for his homecoming."  
  
Tyler follows her down the hallway and into the kitchen. Some of Josh's favorites must mean a buffet, there is so much food in kitchen that Tyler can't even seen any of the counter tops.  
  
\--  
  
Josh's phone died half-way through the meeting, it was his own fault, it hadn't had full battery when he turned it off sixty days ago and constantly checking it for texts or missed calls or  _anything_ from Tyler fucked the battery.  
  
Maybe he'll have to make a trip to Tyler's house after he sees his mom, she always helps him feel better, she used to anyway.  
  
The drive home is quiet and seems to take longer than it should. He tries to turn the radio up louder to drown out his thoughts. His mind is racing, trying to figure out why Tyler never came, why he didn't answer and why he didn't call back.  
  
There's a car parked out front of his house, in his spot, that looks familiar but he's not sure why.  
  
"Not waiting for me by the door mom?" Josh laughs a little as he walks down the hall toward the kitchen where he can hear his mom talking to someone.  
  
"Josh, honey. I'm so glad you're home." His mom is pulling him into her arms, crushing him in a hug, but all he can do is stare behind her, sitting at the kitchen table is Tyler. He's eating food that Josh's mom made, and he he looks happy, sorta. He's covered in paint again, Josh chooses to ignore that.  
  
His mom lets go of him and Josh still stands there staring.  
  
"Hi J."  
  
"Why didn't you come?"  
  
"Can we go talk?"  
  
Josh nods and motions for Tyler to follow him up to his room.  
  
Josh sits on his bed and offers Tyler the spot next to him. Tyler instead sits on Josh's desk chair.  
  
"I wanted to come. They wouldn't let me. I mean, my parents said it wasn't a good idea for me to go back there, and then when I went anyway I was told at the front desk that you weren't allowed visitors."  
  
"I was so fucking depressed Tyler, they put me of fucking pills. More fucking pills." Josh pulls the bottle out of his pocket and shakes it at Tyler.  
  
"Is that a good idea?" Tyler looks genuinely concerned.  
  
"Supposed to be non-addictive." Josh still doesn't really believe it, but so far he's not feeling quite so shitty and sad. Still got anxiety out the ass, but better.  
  
"That's what they said about the Haldol I'm taking. Do you think they tell everyone that about the pills they're giving them?" Josh shakes his head.  
  
"I don't know. Maybe they do. I'm already an addict can some more fucking pills do to me?" Josh wants to be happy that Tyler's here, wants to be happy that Tyler is sitting less than four feet from him; he isn't though, he's irrationally pissed off that Tyler "left him".  
  
"You shouldn't joke about that shit Josh. I don't want you to end up back in that place."  
  
"Maybe next time I won't go back there, maybe it'll be the morgue."  
  
Tyler's got tears in his eyes, Josh can see them and he feels like shit, but he's angry and saying things he doesn't mean.  
  
"Maybe I'll end up there with you."  
  
Josh snorts and rolls his eyes, "No, you'll go on living your life and accept the fact that poor Joshy was an addict and it killed him."  
  
A single tear falls from Tyler's left eye but he stays silent.  
  
"You fucking left me there Tyler. I get it, you weren't allowed. But then you didn't answer my phone call, you  **knew** I was out today but still didn't answer me."  
  
"I was in a job interview. I wanted to get a job so that maybe I could move out of my parents house and be a fucking adult Josh."  
  
"And what does that make me, a child? I still live with my parents. Am I not an adult Tyler?"  
  
"That's not what I meant and you know it. Josh I'm sorry I didn't come see you and I'm sorry I didn't answer when you called today. I knew you got out, and I wanted to be there at that fucking place when you got out, but I didn't know what time to be there because I haven't talked to you in over a month." Tyler's full on crying now, and Josh wants to hug him, but he's still pissed off.  
  
"It doesn't matter, I promised not to leave and left, and you promised to come back and didn't. Whatever, past is past. Fuck it."  
  
"I'm sorry. I don't know what else you want me to say."  
  
Josh yanks Tyler toward him by his shirt, and kisses him. It's rough and Josh's teeth knock against Tyler's, but it's so fucking perfect.  
  
Josh's forehead is against Tyler's, both of them are breathing harshly, "Don't fucking leave me again."  
  
"Never J, never again." Tyler moves onto the bed next to Josh, "I missed you."  
  
"Missed you to."  
  
They're both silent for a while, Josh finally calmed down and content to just sit there with his arms around Tyler and listen to his breathing.  
  
"I don't want to ask but I have to,  _he_ been back at all?"  
  
"Not once. Sometimes I almost miss him. It gets a little bit too quiet. And for a while I wanted to hurt myself, but I thought about you back there alone, and didn't want to get sent back and have you get better and released before I could get better again. So I went and bought paint and did this," Tyler touches Josh's face with his fingers, "stupid shit and I know it's the reason no one will hire me. But I  **needed** it, maybe still do, I don't know."  
  
"It's not stupid if it helps you feel better. It's not physically hurting you or anyone else." Josh takes Tyler's hand into his own, intertwines their fingers, "If I'm being honest it's kinda cute."  
  
"You don't have to lie," Tyler giggles, and Josh feels like he's floating, "it's not cute, it's childish. I'll never get a job if I don't keep it washed off. But thanks for trying."  
  
"I mean it Tyler. It may be stopping you from something you need to do, but it'll be okay. You can keep trying, and I'll help you. Just like I said I would."  
  
"I love you Josh."  
  
"I love you too Tyler."


End file.
